yesterday, i had just managed to get both of my charges into bed and had settled myself down with Half-Blood Prince in preparation for next Tuesday when something on the table caught my eye. I could only see the first three letters of the magazine title, but my mounting excitement was completely spot-on as I pulled out an "American Girl" mag! And not the lame one that just has sleepover ideas and cartoons of tween-aged breast development, no no, the actual magazine with the dolls! Needless to say, there was a narrowly avoided pee-from-extreme-thrill incident. My fingers were trembling when I opened that first page, knowing that Felicity Merriman, redhead, American colonialist and patriot with a Loyalist bff and an overstated love for horses, would be greeting me.

Except, she didn't! Some beezy named Chrissa who is apparently the "American Girl of Today" was staring back at me with vacant, non-historical eyes. Like, who the fuck is this girl? She's from the present! I LIVE in the present, I don't need to learn about it! She's not teaching me about WWII or slavery is she? NO. Her only purpose is one big fashion don't.

It only got worse from there. Felic, Kiki, Addy, Kit & Molly all got the two page spread, normal from what I can recall. But Kaya & Josefina shared a page! What kind of a message is that sending, AG Co, about minorities and ethnicities and power and status? This seems pretty counter-intuitive from the messages you preach in all those "Care & Keeping" books I used to hoard like beanie babies.

You may have noticed that thus far there was been no mention of my absolutely second favorite American Girl (second only to Molly, but really only just because Molly had glasses and so did I), Samantha. WELP, SHE'S GONE. REPLACED! By some Russian Jew named Rebecca Rubin from 1914. WHAT ON EARTH COULD SAMANTHA HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THIS TREASON? She was the ultimate. I mean, come ON! She took us to suffragette rallies with her Aunt Cornelia and her Grand-Mary, and she saved her orphan friends from the perils of turn-of-the-century factory work! She was bad ass! But noooo, let's create some more diversity by bringing this Russian immigrant who is also Jewish into our line of dolls and then RELEGATE HER TO THE SINGLE PAGE WITH THE OTHER MINORITIES.

Honestly, I feel as though the very premise of my love of history has been violated and torn apart in the most brutal fashion. I strongly believe that my history major is a direct result of hours spent reenacting historical situations with my American Girl dolls and their trusty props and books. I learned about the Revolutionary War and the tea tax from Felicity, Kirsten taught me the hardships of prairie living annnnd about St. Lucia, as the only black doll, I think Addy's lessons are pretty self-explanatory; Samantha, though more priviledged than the others still had her demons, and Molly had to grow a victory garden and practice air-raid drills! American Girl is essentially re-writing history by excluding Samantha from their line these days, it's as if they are telling their young girls, whom they so often encourage to be independent, that women's suffrage didn't exist! By taking out Samantha, American Girl is taking out vital information in the history lessons they unknowingly provide for young girls all across America, and I for one am taking a stand against this atrocity.

Rebecca Rubin, I will take you down.

i love portland more than life itself. i love the fact that on any day i could walk down the streets of portland and see a man in a business suit riding a unicycle, i could see a transvestite walking down neighborhood streets selling enchiladas out of a cooler. i love that you can get married at a donut shop that sells phallic shaped deliciousness, that seeing a parade of nude bicyclists is no big thing, and that you can honestly be whoever you want to be here - because we've got a wide load of ridiculous yet beloved personalities in residence.

you know who doesn't? seattle. in seattle, you have one choice. you can be a has-been yuppie. i truly despise seattle. going to school on the east coast, you'd think i would have west coast universal pride, but that is simply never true. i'll take all of oregon and most of the top half of california, but that's about it. my hatred of the entire state of washington stems mainly from the fact that they are all terrible drivers, and they all infiltrate my state because we're cooler and don't have sales tax.

my hatred for seattle, however, stems from this very real truth: seattle used to be cool. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm quite appreciative of the fact that it's the birthplace of starbucks and nordstroms and the all-too-revered grunge movement, but guess what? all that happened like TWENTY YEARS AGO. seattle, you sure were a city of the '90s, but in case you didn't hear, it's 2009. and you aren't cool anymore because all you do is bitch and moan like little emo babies. if emo were a city, it would be seattle. in case you are unaware of how i feel about emo, i'd like to say that it's ironic how much emo makes me want to kill myself. it rains a thousand times more in seattle than it does in portland. it's essentially a fucking rainforest, but without any of the cool animals. seattle-ites sill cry themselves tonight over kurt cobain's untimely death, and meredith grey, tv's absolute most emo character calls seattle home. WHY would i ever want to subject myself to that sort of self-induced misery?!

they say green is the new black. i'm sorry seattle, but are you the greenest city in america? oh, that title actually belongs to your southern neighbor, the great city of roses, stumptown, pdx, RIP CITY? move over seattle, it's a new century and it's portland's time to shine. don't expect us to meet the same cruel, punishing death that befell you, however, because we're pretty constant in how amazing we are.

we're also better drivers.

Whilst browsing FML.com this morning, I came across this gem:

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

And my immediate thought was, "well of COURSE you're that stupid, because you go to the anti-christ that is Dunkin Donuts!" See, the thing is - I kind of hate Dunkin Donuts. DD has never truly wronged me in any way, but still - I just can't get on board. This is for many reasons, some of them vain, some of them shallow, but all of them real. Firstly, where I come from (the greatest state this side of bliss), one could only encounter a DD in one of the trashier suburbs - Gresham, Oregon City, etc. As a city-dweller, I speak for all Portlandians when I say that we tend to scorn and eschew all Suburban-types, because who wants new identical houses and strip malls when you can have a 1912 architectural icon and NE Broadway? To get back on point, if one did venture into one of these DD's, certain things are infallible. The patrons will invariably have more children than teeth, have a total inches of girth number higher than their I.Q., and will make a quick stop at DD after picking up their lotto tickets and before their weekly splurge dinner at Red Lobster.

Secondly, Dunkin Donuts is all over the East Coast. I am emphatically NOT all over the East Coast. I mean, techincally I generally am as I spend like 8 months out of the year there, but really anything that is particular to that side of the country I meet with disdain and distrust. I feel distinctly aloof and proud in my inability to partake in the DD madness, and also would truly feel unfaithful to my coast and my people if I did in fact inbibe in one of those g.d. drinks. Thirdly, Dunkin Donuts commercials infiltrate my life. They're quite vexatious! When I'm unwinding with a good, heart-wrenching episode of Grey's, I'm not trying to hear "American Runs on Dunkin" 134256 times. Am I not an American, DD? Because last time I checked, the 14th Amendment told me I was. But do I run on Dunkin? False. I don't even run!

Fourthly, and most importantly, if I ever went to DD, I'd be cheating on my most faithful companion - someone I've been with for years of my life, someone who has never ever let me down. This someone is known as Starbucks. Starbucks is a GOD among coffee-houses. It gets a lot of shit for being a big corporation and too expensive, but whatever! It's not simply about the single cup of coffee/tea/myriad beverages they can provide you with, it's about the whole Starbucks experience. Unlike DD, Starbucks is classy. No matter where you are in the world (and I've heartily tested this theory), you can walk into a Starbucks, and it will be clean, and jewel-toned, with lots of abstract art on the walls and jazzy relaxing music playing in the pleasantly-lit background. The chairs are comfy and oversized, and their display cases never falter to be aesthetically pleasing. Unlike DD, Starbucks is a west-coast operation. Gotta stay true to my roots, you know, and Starbucks just makes it so gosh darn easy to be proud of the good old left side of the country! Unlike DD, Starbucks doesn't air commericals. Nope, they're just naturally popular enough without feeling the need to kill my braincells for 30 seconds 7 times an hour. Take that, DD! People don't need to be lured or tricked or brainwashed into going to Starbucks - they just inately want to! I mean, I know I always do.

So yeah, garbage bin screamer, your actions aren't surprising. I'm willing to barter that if you just ditch your filthy DD habit and pull through a SB drive-thru instead, your minimal brain-power will experience a rapid increase. I mean, it's not like it can go anywhere but up, right?

While babysitting earlier today, I was treated to an hour of "Animal Planet" viewing. And just for the record, Animals Really Aren't My Thing. Puppies and kittens are cute, and I would love a giraffe pocket pet, but really I'm more of a human lover than an animal lover. That is why the topic of "Humanimals" baffles me to my very core. You may be wondering, as I was, what exactly is a "Humanimal"? Welp, it's a hybrid human-animal, or in layman's terms, a person who feels as though they are truly an animal spirit trapped inside a human body. It's kind of like being transgendered...or i suppose, transspecied. Now, I'm not judging - just so intrigued and also confused as to how this works out for these Humanimals.

From what I gathered, there are two types of Humanimals. The first type is what you would call a "body modifier", who do things like get illegal surgery in panama in order to make their profiles look more like their chosen animal. Or get their tongue spliced in order to more accurately represent their lizard-like ambitions. Consider this example:

Now, this man is so dedicated to living life as a lizard that he has had numerous surgeries, often traveling outside of the u.s. to get risky operations. he's had his teeth filed, tongue cut, and tattoos of lizard skin cover his body. You really have got to admire that sort of dedication - that's a lot of pain to endure for a lifestyle a lot of people will mock. What pluck.

The second type of "Humanimal", and the kind I find personally less understandable (but still, not judging) are "Furries". These are people who choose to show that they are an animal spirit not by deforming their bodies, but rather by donning large fur costumes, and then do not speak but rather "transform" in and out of their animalistic personas.

Now to me, this just seems like kind of a cop out. I mean, if you're going to go animal, I say go balls to the wall. If you're going to publicly admit that you were born the wrong species, then I think you should have enough gumption to not just slip in and out of your animal role by parading around town like a mascot. As I see it, Furries are like the pussy bitches of the Humanimal world. Essentially they are making a mockery out of their body modifier peers! Wow, now that I'm writing this all out I'm getting pretty heated on behalf of the real Humanimals! They should hire me as their PR agent, seeing as many of them chose to communicate solely in their "native" (read: animal) tongue. But yeah, Furries - who do you think you are? Stop shaming the name of good Humanimals everywhere. Man up! Or, rather...Animal up.

recently while browsing the internets, i came across two deeply unsettling photographs, ones that make me embarrassed to be an American. No, they aren't pictures of Army men torturing prisoners, they aren't pictures of Miley Cyrus. They are, in fact, merely portraits of every-day, regular people who show exactly what is wrong with this great country of ours.

Exhibit 1:

while i'm not sure exactly what this man is protesting (fashion and grammar both viable options), to me he represents the worst american mindset. people thinking they are better than everyone else because they are from the good old U.S. of A, but in demonstrating their "superiority", they make a typical white-trash error such as spelling a simple 6 letter word incorrectly, thus making a mockery out of themselves. i mean, let's just take a look at the picture. i see a man with a mullet and a handkerchief tied around his head. he's holding two patriotic signs proudly and he sports designer-imposter ray bans. to his right, we see a midriff-baring woman who is holding a sign that i've been scrutinizing for way too long and have thus concluded says "freedom rings". so seriously, you people, just WHO are you calling a "moran"? I mean really, if you're going to make a statement, make sure it's grammatically correct and try to look more life you have a house and less like said house is a trailer.

Exhibit 2:

Let me just start off by saying, these people have since been banned from Disneyland. Unfortunately for all, they were not banned from LIFE as would have been more appropriate. So many things are wrong with this picture, it's hard to know where to start. I suppose with the fact that the middle woman is holding a beer and it's they daytime, but to call her out on that would be calling the kettle black, as I'm a big fan of daydrinking. So let's start with the fact that this is a daughter with her parents. A mother and daughter duo and a proud pop. A pop proud of his wife and little girl walking around with their boobs hanging out of their shirts a la regina george. Bouncing down Main Street, USA with their lady parts available to all eyes. The eyes of the children who are just trying to enjoy their day in the magical kingdom without being assaulted with these sexually explicit images. As if this wasn't bad enough, these trashy a-holes have further insulted their fellow citizens by desecrating one of the greatest Americans accomplishments of all time - the beloved Mickey & Minnie Mouse. This seriously causes me more pain than when Jen & Brad broke up. Because who has two thumbs, a Little Mermaid fetish and still screams with delight when the line is shorter than anticipated? THIS GIRL. This blatant and disgusting display of disrespect makes me want to behead these idiots. And look at the dad smile! Like "ooh i'm so proud of my mother/daughter slut team and the way they take the best of American and immediately turn it into the worst! I've done so well in raising a good, solid family! Kudos to me!"

life goals for my 21st year on this planet:

I. Actual Goals That I'm Pretty Confident I Can Achieve
a. get in shape. a shape that is not doughy or round. a shape that is made by exercise and sweat rather than otterpops for breakfast. why i can do this: because chasing four 3 year olds around the pool, convincing them that sitting on the stairs is infinitely more fun than going down the slide is just another name for running with water resistance built right in. and lifting the obese children in and out of the pool is great for the arms. i could even make a work-out video!
b. read 52 books before my next birthday, the big 2-2. 52 new books. i will not allow myself to simply read Sorcerer's Stone fifty-two times. Or, I can (and will), but have to read 52 other books as well. why i can do this: i like to read. my mom buys books to appear educated and trendy (a lot of Oprah's seal of approval in this house), so my supply is undiminishable. i will also have time to do this because i hate the time right in between being awake and being asleep, so it's preferable if i'm reading and then just oop! all of a sudden it's morning and a book is on my chest.
c. make an effort to save more/spend less. this seems prudent given the recession, and the fact that at best i'm a poor collegiate. why i can do this: because life depends on it. when it comes to these life/death decisions, i'm generally good at prioritizing (unless alcohol is involved, or if i think the fun-ness of a deathly idea has the potential to make a reeeeally cool obituary).
d. watch more artsy indie movies and less abc family channel original movies. because now that i can legally drink, i think it's time to cut that cord. and i enjoy appearing cultured. and i really did like slumdog millionaire. why i can do this: because in watching Melissa Joan Hart & Joey Lawrence in My Fake Fiance, I know I've already seen the best of the abc fam originals.

II. Maybe/Maybe Not Goals:
a. ride my bicycle to work every day. the maybe: because it's good for the environment and my body (per goal 1a). because it's a 7 minute ride tops, and because my dad is pimpin' out my bike as we speak (can you say "fresh new handlebars"?). maybe not: because i am clairvoyant and know that there is going to be some miserable, rainy, mid-summer portland morning when, at 8:40am, i'm going to hear every fiber of my warm-and-comfy loving body shout out, "passat wagon, passat wagon", and those cries are going to be louder than mother nature's demure whisper to save the earth.
b. get a 4.0 senior year. the maybe: because it's not like i go to harvard. because i spend a looot of time on facebook/reading harry potter aloud with certain roomies/drinking my body weight and stumbling around the unforgiving streets of worcester, and if i dedicated that time to studying, the possibilities are endless. the maybe not: because i am reeeally looking forward to ridiculous nights at the blarney, interacting with the local woo-rats. because i'm not really interested in my classes next semester, and because my capstone will be at 9am on a friday morning.
c. use surfthechannel.com less. the maybe: it gives my computer viruses and makes safari freeze as soon as i get onto perez. so i'm missing a lot of vital celeb-world information, which is simply inexcusable. maybe not: because a lot of the time, all i really want is to relive the glory days of the Bartlett administration, or watch a first season bones episode to see how much the sexual tension has grown (which is a lot, in case you were wondering).
d. eat breakfast every day. the maybe: i hear this is good for you. and i do really love breakfasty foods like waffles and pancakes and even a solid bowl of regular cheerios. the maybe not: because i also like sleep. and making pancakes or waffles is a commitment that could shave at least a half hour off of my sleeping time, which i just can't condone.

III. Hey, A Girl Can Dream, Right? Goals:
a. become friends with sophia bush and hilarie burton via the plan outlined in an earlier blog entry. why this will never happen: they are cool and famous. i am neither of those things. also, the part of the plan that relies on them reading my blog might also make them think that i am some crazy stalker...or a 13 year girl. either one of these two things.
b. go to dc, befriend michelle, break into her closet, and steal many of her hybrid trendy/classic dresses. why this will never happen: white house security these days? well that shit's no joke. so unless i retain the ability to become invisible, or become a top Obama official with passcode knowledge, i'd get shot in any attempt i made to get into that closet.
c. convince one of my less smarts-endowed friends to have a baby so that i can play with it all the time but not have to be pregnant. why this will never happen: none of my friends are actually that stupid, and i suppose i'm not truly that morally bankrupt.
d. be on college jeopardy and win. why this will never happen: because even though college jeopardy is SO EASY, the qualifying test is harder than regular jeopardy. is this just? no, alex trebek, it most certainly is not. no wonder only complete nerds get on and then can't answer the $200 question in "Academy Award Winners 2007". A category I would sweep.

Top 5 Friend Groups I'd Like To Infiltrate:

5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel

But really, Zooey & Emily's alter-ego Temperance Brennan of Bones fame. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. The funniest forensic anthropologist I've ever seen on prime-time! She may not be great at girl talk because she doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but both sisters can sing so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Zooey clothes.

4. The Cast of One Tree Hill

Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except that time the sex tape came out and everyone rioted. But seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth. And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz), if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas - well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for any occasion. Plus, Tree Hill looks like such a fun place to live! Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnappings and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life?

3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel

Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, office romances, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, lead the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East nuclear tension, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. They lead the country, but they look cool while doing it (much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits), and I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations peppered with wit while we stroll along the White House grounds.

2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

Because Tina is my number 1 celebrity girl crush. Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be so great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have given us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. They're funny girls yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world?! Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they each have one. What more could a girl ask for?

1. I mean, who else?

Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them! I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom. I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac. Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. Nothing funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Nothing greater than friends.

things in life that i am so over:

twilight. WHEN WILL THIS INSANITY END? I won't treat you all to my anti-Twilight tirade, since it's long-winded, full of irrational (to some) biases, and frankly every time I get started I just get and more upset at the series infiltrating my life in such an enormous fashion, even though I have boycotted reading the books and seeing the movie. Suffice it to say, even though I was never "under" Twilight, I am now officially more than ever, just OVER IT. i couldn't even watch the mtv movie awards last night because i just knew it was going to be twilight dominated. how sad is that?! i love those awards! i mean, i understand they are just a tweeny-drived materialistic red-headed stepchild of like the daytime emmy's, but it's frivolous fun and it's not right it was taken from me by that insipid linkin park loving stephanie myers. and thanks, robert pattison. you're dirty, and shaggy and you play a vegetarian vampire (the concept of which is the stupidest thing in the WORLD - either be a fucking vampire or don't, okay?), and you've taken the mtv awards from me too. which means, in active avoidance of your disgusting visage, i missed the newest HP6 clip that premiered last night during the show. Remember your good friend the Harry Potter franchise, bobby? Why have you turned on those who gave you your ascent into stardom?! Cedric never would have, may he rest in peace.



michigan. recently, the michigan tourism industry is pumping money into commercials that are being shown here. in OREGON. Like, what?! It's bad enough that we get those lame California commercials with Rob Lowe and Maria & Arnie drinking wine in Napa, but at least that makes sense because we're neighbors. But Michigan? If I hadn't been the geography whiz of the 5th grade, I wouldn't even know where the fuck Michigan was! For argument's sake, I just google map'd it, and it is in fact over 2,000 miles away. And what the hell is even IN michigan? A failing, bankrupt auto industry? Thousands of laid-off workers? Detroit? Freezing and unbearable temperatures? Weird accents and women who wear sweaters with snowmen on them? Um...no thanks. And, according to a quick Wiki, michigan has the 3rd most registered hunters in the US. Well cool if I were Sarah Palin, but thank my lucky stars I'm not. so sorry, michigan tourism industry, your commercial creates more confusion instead of a burning desire to visit your midwestern state, even if it does have more public golf courses than any other state.

hipsters. also known as 90% of the age 18-30 bracket of Portland. you know what i'm so over about these guys? well, mainly the fact that they think they are oh-so much better than I am. Guess what? Just because I don't dress in an androgynous fashion and title my facebook albums . or " or z, just because I'd rather watch The Sweetest Thing over some artsy foreign film and I don't smoke cigarettes doesn't give you the right to judge me from behind your ironically funky sunglasses. I see your pitying glances when I turn into Starbucks and you turn into your anti-corporation cafe/hookah bar combo. Like "ooh she goes to Starbucks and supports American capitalism, and I don't think that shirt is from American Apparel. She probably doesn't even know who Kafka is, and I doubt she reads The New Yorker" Oh, BURN. Good one, hipster. By the way, I love how you and your boyfriend have matching skinny jeans and hairstyles. Now, the thing is - I could easily become a hipster. I have all the right ingredients - I do own skinny jeans, I go to a small, private liberal arts school. I have tattoos. I like gay people. I studied abroad in Europe. NYT.com is my homepage. But I resist this urge with a venegance, unlike most of the people with whom I went to high school. Because, simply, these assholes are hypocrites. "Oh, I'm so cool and unique in my thrift store shapeless dress and my pack of American spirits. Maybe I'll just go hang out on Mississippi and talk about my super-far-left politics...oh, 100 people are already here doing just that. Weird!"

over it.

dear jon and kate of plus 8 fame,

why are you doing this to me? don't pretend like you don't know what i'm talking about - i saw you in the grocery line today on at least 3 different magazine covers. do you have any idea how much agony you cause me these days? listen up, i've been a fan of yours (well, of your children's - kate, i've had you pegged as a bat-shit psycho since day one, and jon, could you be a duller village idiot?) for years, ever since your very first hourlong special on tlc. you know, back when your catchphrase was more along the lines of "two 6 year olds and six 2 year olds" and less "i have never cheated on my spouse". i'm just really so irked by you two. OF COURSE you are having marital problems! dude, jon was like 22 when you got married, which in male maturity age puts him at 17 max. can you blame him for wanting to stray? clearly his wild oats have yet to be sown!

but that's beside the point. to be honest with you, i don't want you to be honest with me. i could not care less what you two do with your (amazingly frequent for 8 kids) free time - you can have same sex affairs with elephants for all i care, because jon and kate, no one cares about you. no one really cares about mady either because she's a little shit 95% of the time, and cara's alright, but we all know who the true moneymakers are. people watch your show because you have sextuplets! and they don't! and sextuplets are cool because that is a LOT of human to have in your womb at one time! but more importantly, your sextuplets at their simplest form are just six times the amount of cuteness of a regular biracial kid (which is already like 1.5 times the cutness of a commonplace old boring one race kid). so stop bitching and complaining and thinking the sun shines out of your two asses, because it doesn't. i don't want to watch that dr. phil shit. all i want out of you two is encouragement for your kids saying the darndest things, per below.



i mean, i'm almost 21. i can comprehend that daddies have weiners, but see how cute and earnest little joel looks when he shares that newsworthy tidbit? COMEDIC GOLD. so, parents, get over yourselves. you and your infidelity is nothing special! it's not like MLK, Jr. was monogamous but no one cares and he is remembered for his great accomplishments. your marriage, kate, your hair - these are not accomplishments, clearly. but your kids are! they're more articulate than you, jon, and cuter than you, kate, so please just give me half-hour increments of alexis talking about her "alldergators" or aaden pretending to be a giraffe. i get enough drama from grey's anatomy, thanks very much. i'm just looking for escapism with some adorable children, so if i could get that without a mention of your lame ass everyday problems, that would be splendid.

very sincerely yours,

hgc

today has been somewhat of a rollercoaster of emotions. first, something amazing happened (no, not a hilburton/sophbush friendship, we just put that plan into place, people). while doing some online browsing, i stumbled upon and watched the pilot episode of the new fox show "Glee".

it.was.amazing.

in my mind, the only thing that can make a television show or movie better is some sort of musical spectacular scene. i mean, what would First Wives Club be without "You Don't Own Me"? Just a bunch of middle aged divorcees bitching! How much more fun did you have watching Full House when the Beach Boys would make sporadic and often nonsensical appearances at DJ's birthday parties? So I clearly already knew "Glee" and I were going to be buds. And then I started watching this Breakfast Club/Mamma Mia! hybrid, and just...wow.

The "Glee" characters are a hilariously mismatched group of misfits and a lone jock, and MAN do they do quick work on your heart. My personal favorite was the token sassy black girl who sang "RESPECT" like a champ and made a hilarious "I'm Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Rowlands" joke.

So the episode is moving along, and I'm enjoying myself when the best possible thing happens in the last five minutes or so. That's right - the kids, newly dedicated to success amidst typical high-school adversity and dressed in snazzy matching fitters and trendy black chucks, started singing Journey. And not just ˆany Journey, but the end-all be-all of Journey greatness: Don't Stop Believin'. As soon as I heard those opening notes, my like exploded into love and I knew "Glee" and I had moved into a committed relationship.

Then, I heard the saddest news. My Journey-induced high was shot down like an old Indian on the Trail of Tears. No more "Glee" episodes until the FALLTIME. The pilot was just released as a little sampler of excitement to come. Fox - what a tease! It's like one of those girls or Jonas Brothers who wait until marriage for sex; it's just not fair to the rest of the world. Already my life has been battered down by the fact that Lucas and Peyton are leaving TH, Izzie may or may not die and leave Alex a broken man, and I won't know until fucking 2010 if the detonation of the hydrogen bomb DID IN FACT make time jump backwards on the LOST island! JUST when my hopes had been raised by the promise of listening to seriously bitchin' a capella versions of 80s classics once a week, the television industry took that away from me too.

I suppose this will have to suffice for the long summer months...watch and enjoy. Pay special attention to when the wheelchair-bound kid (lots of diversity on this show) shreds the guitar solo. BAMF.

in middle school, we girls would giggle our way through creating "top fives", a list of the five boys that had won us over with their prepubescent charm that particular week. Recently, I was thinking back on those days with rose-colored glasses when the harsh truth of reality hit me that were I to make a similar list today, not only would it be comprised of people I didn't personally know, it would really only include fictional characters. That's right, I have reached the point in my single-girl life that my fantasies have become so deluded that my dream men don't even exist in real life, let alone in my life. Therefore, I now present to you...

My Top 5 Fictional Characters With Whom I'd Like To Be Married

5. Indiana Jones


Indiana Jones is exactly what I aspire to be: half-time historian, half-time sleuth, full-time badass. He's a professor, so he's a smarty-pants, but he's not afraid of living in the fast lane. While he might covet adventure and women more than I'd like (especially when we have kids), he's savvy enough to remain relatively unmaimed even as he swings on a collapsed suspension bridge while spears are being shot his way. That takes some serious skill! Furthermore, have you seen that man work his whip? Enough said.

4. Dr. Spencer Reid of "Criminal Minds"


I'm not exactly sure why this geek appeals to me so much, but God he does. Usually, I'm not that into dudes with long hair, but I'm thinking it's his impeccable bone structure that really makes up for it. He also has a photographic memory, so he would never forget my birthday or our anniversary. Sure, working for the FBI does expose him to things like anthrax and the occasional kidnap and torture, but I mean, Who Haven't? He's been working out to ensure that doesn't happen again, so he's buff, and he's been called a certified genius more than once. What's not to love?

3. Mr. Darcy


One of my favorite things is people who have a tough outer shell but a heart of gold (B. Davis, Temperance Brennan, etc). This describes Darcy perfectly - he may act all masculine and tempermental (which he is in allll the right ways), but when it comes down to it, he'll always do the right thing and follow his heart. He's a doting older brother, and MAN is he rich! He's well read and likes a little spitfire in a woman, which I would be more than willing to provide. Plus, he sure does give a great "listen bitch I'm in love with you" speech. He might rank #1 in that category.

2. Lucas Scott of "One Tree Hill"


He's an athlete and a scholar - the best of both worlds, as my friend Miley might say. He quotes literary greats like it's his job, he can fix a car like it's no big thing, and I'll be damned if he doesn't have some serious integrity. That Karen Roe really raised her son right. Lucas always tries to do what's right, even if it means self-sacrificing himself to live in his manipulative father's house. He's a true philanthropist, always thinking of others. He might need a few reminders to keep his hair from growing too long and looking like a boy band-er, but I'm sure he's worth the trouble.

1. Ron Weasley


Sure, he's not rich like Darcy, a genius like Spencer, an adventurer like Indy or an athlete like Lucas, but Ron Weasley has heart. Both his and mine. Despite the fact that he's a wizard (a fact that makes me love him all the more), he's probably the most attainable of all fictional characters on this list. He's not the superhero Harry, but he's loyal, dependable, and endearingly imperfect. Ron Weasley just wants to matter in this world, and riddle me a nobler cause. He has proven himself to be a force to be reckoned with whether he's on the Quidditch pitch or fighting Voldy and his Death Eater cronies. He simply tries his hardest and does the best he can. And who wouldn't want Molly Weasley for a mother in law?!

recently, i was victim to a life-changing event. an event so powerful and so bittersweet it's taken me this long to process it fully enough to blog. yes, dear reader(s?), you've guessed it, i could only be talking about one thing - my last night in Tree Hill.

the One Tree Hill season 6 finale was a masterpiece of emotion. Though I began my time with the Ravens a dubious critic, this quiet North Carolina town and it's inhabitants have now changed my life. I've laughed, I've cried, I've made some great friends. The season finale, however, was the pinnacle of Tree Hill success stories, eclipsing even the great 3 pointer state champion shot and subsequent Lucas/Peyton makeout of Season 4. That success was immediately tempered by a heart condition and a hit and run by a scorned bookie. But not this time. No, happiness flitted from character to character (although not to Dan Scott, but whose fault is that? He manipulated and fratricide-ed his way through six seasons) as if there had never been a psycho-stalker Derek, as if Jimmy Edwards hadn't shot up the school, as if Victoria had never been "Bitch-toria". It felt more like a series finale than a season finale, and I will be treating it as such. Chad Michael Murray apparently has gotten too good for the CW, and is now joining the elite dream team of Jamie Lee Curtis & Lindsay Lohan for a Freaky Friday sequel. Or something like that. Regardless, there will be no Lucas, Peyton, or baby Sawyer next season. Unfortunately, with the absence of CMM & HB, my heart is waging a hefty battle - is it the unstoppable combination of incestuous friendships between the "Core 5" that I love the most, or will I be able to deal with a 3/5s situation in exchange for having Brooke Davis remain in my life on a more regular basis? Historically, 3/5s compromises haven't held up to pressure, hence my almost certainty that Tree Hill and I will only ever be again in repeats and dear memories.

Clearly the only rational thing to do after finding myself lost (and insecure) post-finale was to re-watch the entirety of the series. Dedicated as I was to this task, the 120+ episodes only took about 5 days to devour. A true high point in my life. But as I relived the days when Lucas would bounce from Brooke to Peyton, when Haley and Nathan were young and unafraid of having the lamest catchphrase ("always and forever"...seriously? writers, you came up with gems such as "it sucks being the foot note in someone else's love story", and yet "always and forever" is the best you could do for Naley?), my desire to friend the entire cast but mostly Sophia Bush & Hilarie Burton only escalated into a code-red situation. Therefore, I have developed a plan. And it includes this very blog.

Step 1: Use my blogger identity to "follow" HB's new production company's blog on blogspot. Check.

Step 2: Leave comments on aforementioned blog that are both cool but engaging enough so that someone might be tempted to check out who wrote such a witty, zany comment. Still talking myself up/revising comment drafts.

Step 3: Get HB to read my blog, realize how much I have dedicated my life to Tree Hill, but not realize how much I have dedicated my life to kind of stalking her, and then have her contact me to be like OMGZ i love you!

Step 4: HB will obviously then share with SB that we all need to become friends. They will then come visit Bethany Joy Galeotti in Battleground, WA where she resides whilst not filming, and then the TRIO OF TREE HILL LADIES will pop down and pay me a visit.

I think it's pretty flawless.

michael cera

In my post below, I forgot to mention the most obvious and greatest reason why Ellen keeps my will to live from completely shriveling. See, I have this theory/fantasy hybrid that if I were to meet Ellen & Portia, a. we would become friends and b. Portia would set me up with her Arrested Development co-star Michael Cera because she would clearly see that we are destined for each other. Which we are, for many a reason. First, we're both gemini non-vegetarians, so obviously like Elle and Bruiser Woods, we will love each other so much we'll start to match. Secondly, his only quote on IMDB is "I'm not really trying to make great art." Neither am I! In fact, I don't even make art in the first place, let alone great art! Thirdly, he plays the guitar and sings. I do neither of those things, but appreciate it immensely. Fourth, like another one of my soulmates, he is an author AND likes history. I'm a history major and english minor so clearly not only we will have intellectual conversations all the time, he will also probably propose at a battle reenactment whilst quoting a literary great (fingers crossed for JKR), which would be so cool. Such valid reasons clearly show why I'm like 98% positive that if Michael Cera and I were ever to lock eyes at one of Ellen & Portia's big house parties whilst bopping along to k.d. lang, it would be love at first sight.

so the swine flu. that shit sucks. luckily, I rarely if ever leave the corner of my basement couch, so I'm thinking that puts me at pretty low risk for contracting the pig virus. Also, you know what's less than funny? This joke: "Some people used to say that a black man would be president when pigs flew! And look at us now - pig flu!" HAHA LOL. Funny the first time because I like a pun as much as the next girl but a. obamers became Prez BEFORE the H1N1 virus caused mass panic so the joke doesn't really make sense and b. hearing it for the 72nd time from the cashier at starbucks just isn't really something i'm particularly looking for when I go in for a Chai Latte. I'm not looking for you to vamp, starbucks dude, I just need some caffeine.

and, i'm back

i didn't truly comprehend the phrase, "dying of boredom" until i wearily arrived home in portland after four months of living the fast-paced life of a londoner, and found, to my great displeasure, that having all of my friends still away at school and having no job yet is not a recipe for fun or success. rather, it is the recipe for extreme monotony and general tedium. i spend my days wandering aimlessly through channels until i eventually concede and decide to devote the next seven hours to watching a pre-grey's katherine heigl star in a series of christian pioneer movies on the hallmark channel that can only be described as 7th heaven on Prozac, set on the western frontier.

there is but one glimmer of saving grace in my days. one hour where i forget how much i hate my non-life, where i forget that not only do i not have friends, even the dog won't sit next to me, where i forget that i spent my monday night out in the...suburbs (it almost kills me to type it) watching my father's softball team (comprised of middle aged computer nerds) pant their way to first base after hitting an underhand pitch ten feet. said glimmer: ellen. ellen, oh ellen. how i love thee.

there are many basic reasons why ellen is the greatest thing to happen to daytime television as well as my life.
1. a lot of the time, ellen brings adorable children with weird talents onto the show. this includes the kid who is in love with vacuums, emily bear the piano prodigy, and that little girl who hiccups her way through the alphabetical states song. who doesn't love to watch cute kids do cute things? ellen's show is a perfect mix of my two favorite things: precious kids and celebs.
2. ellen just has this unidentifiable talent that makes people want to be on her show. anyone will come talk to her! john mccain for godsakes, visited the set and allowed himself to be bamboozled into questioning regarding gay marriage, which he had to know was going to happen! george clooney, notorious for being interview-shy, deemed ellen a worthy enough goddess, and graced her stage this year. not only will people come onto her show, they'll open up to her. case in point: lindsay lohan last week. enough said.
3. ellen changes minds about gay people. well, i don't know if this is actually true but here is my thought process: who watches the most daytime television (other than yours truly, of course)? undereducated white trash, correct? and how do white trash feel about gay people? poorly, i think we can concur. but who has the highest rated daytime talk show? ELLEN. therefore, if most of the undereducated white trash people watching tv at 4pm watch Ellen, and continue to do so, then they must like her and therefore their foolish views on gay people must have been altered. flawless theory.
4. this is the crux of it - ellen gives the people what they want. and what is it they want? why, the people JUST WANT TO DANCE! you can look as stupid as you want doing the scuba move or a half-sway but by god, you're dancing with ellen, so it doesn't matter! name me a person who doesn't want to dance, and i'll call it a duggar, but other than that - spot on assessment of the people's wish, ellen.

so thank you, ms degeneres. not only are you one half of my favorite lesbian power couple, you're also my favorite daytime television goddess devine. you have brought meaning and laughter back into my life, and i couldn't be more thankful. unless, of course, you read this post, realized i was more of an adoring fan than crazy stalker, and gifted me with tickets to your show (preferably when someone cool is on, not like today when you had joan & melissa rivers - hate to say it but laaame). then i could be more grateful.