i love portland more than life itself. i love the fact that on any day i could walk down the streets of portland and see a man in a business suit riding a unicycle, i could see a transvestite walking down neighborhood streets selling enchiladas out of a cooler. i love that you can get married at a donut shop that sells phallic shaped deliciousness, that seeing a parade of nude bicyclists is no big thing, and that you can honestly be whoever you want to be here - because we've got a wide load of ridiculous yet beloved personalities in residence.

you know who doesn't? seattle. in seattle, you have one choice. you can be a has-been yuppie. i truly despise seattle. going to school on the east coast, you'd think i would have west coast universal pride, but that is simply never true. i'll take all of oregon and most of the top half of california, but that's about it. my hatred of the entire state of washington stems mainly from the fact that they are all terrible drivers, and they all infiltrate my state because we're cooler and don't have sales tax.

my hatred for seattle, however, stems from this very real truth: seattle used to be cool. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm quite appreciative of the fact that it's the birthplace of starbucks and nordstroms and the all-too-revered grunge movement, but guess what? all that happened like TWENTY YEARS AGO. seattle, you sure were a city of the '90s, but in case you didn't hear, it's 2009. and you aren't cool anymore because all you do is bitch and moan like little emo babies. if emo were a city, it would be seattle. in case you are unaware of how i feel about emo, i'd like to say that it's ironic how much emo makes me want to kill myself. it rains a thousand times more in seattle than it does in portland. it's essentially a fucking rainforest, but without any of the cool animals. seattle-ites sill cry themselves tonight over kurt cobain's untimely death, and meredith grey, tv's absolute most emo character calls seattle home. WHY would i ever want to subject myself to that sort of self-induced misery?!

they say green is the new black. i'm sorry seattle, but are you the greenest city in america? oh, that title actually belongs to your southern neighbor, the great city of roses, stumptown, pdx, RIP CITY? move over seattle, it's a new century and it's portland's time to shine. don't expect us to meet the same cruel, punishing death that befell you, however, because we're pretty constant in how amazing we are.

we're also better drivers.