dear jon and kate of plus 8 fame,

why are you doing this to me? don't pretend like you don't know what i'm talking about - i saw you in the grocery line today on at least 3 different magazine covers. do you have any idea how much agony you cause me these days? listen up, i've been a fan of yours (well, of your children's - kate, i've had you pegged as a bat-shit psycho since day one, and jon, could you be a duller village idiot?) for years, ever since your very first hourlong special on tlc. you know, back when your catchphrase was more along the lines of "two 6 year olds and six 2 year olds" and less "i have never cheated on my spouse". i'm just really so irked by you two. OF COURSE you are having marital problems! dude, jon was like 22 when you got married, which in male maturity age puts him at 17 max. can you blame him for wanting to stray? clearly his wild oats have yet to be sown!

but that's beside the point. to be honest with you, i don't want you to be honest with me. i could not care less what you two do with your (amazingly frequent for 8 kids) free time - you can have same sex affairs with elephants for all i care, because jon and kate, no one cares about you. no one really cares about mady either because she's a little shit 95% of the time, and cara's alright, but we all know who the true moneymakers are. people watch your show because you have sextuplets! and they don't! and sextuplets are cool because that is a LOT of human to have in your womb at one time! but more importantly, your sextuplets at their simplest form are just six times the amount of cuteness of a regular biracial kid (which is already like 1.5 times the cutness of a commonplace old boring one race kid). so stop bitching and complaining and thinking the sun shines out of your two asses, because it doesn't. i don't want to watch that dr. phil shit. all i want out of you two is encouragement for your kids saying the darndest things, per below.



i mean, i'm almost 21. i can comprehend that daddies have weiners, but see how cute and earnest little joel looks when he shares that newsworthy tidbit? COMEDIC GOLD. so, parents, get over yourselves. you and your infidelity is nothing special! it's not like MLK, Jr. was monogamous but no one cares and he is remembered for his great accomplishments. your marriage, kate, your hair - these are not accomplishments, clearly. but your kids are! they're more articulate than you, jon, and cuter than you, kate, so please just give me half-hour increments of alexis talking about her "alldergators" or aaden pretending to be a giraffe. i get enough drama from grey's anatomy, thanks very much. i'm just looking for escapism with some adorable children, so if i could get that without a mention of your lame ass everyday problems, that would be splendid.

very sincerely yours,

hgc