Whilst browsing FML.com this morning, I came across this gem:
Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML
And my immediate thought was, "well of COURSE you're that stupid, because you go to the anti-christ that is Dunkin Donuts!" See, the thing is - I kind of hate Dunkin Donuts. DD has never truly wronged me in any way, but still - I just can't get on board. This is for many reasons, some of them vain, some of them shallow, but all of them real. Firstly, where I come from (the greatest state this side of bliss), one could only encounter a DD in one of the trashier suburbs - Gresham, Oregon City, etc. As a city-dweller, I speak for all Portlandians when I say that we tend to scorn and eschew all Suburban-types, because who wants new identical houses and strip malls when you can have a 1912 architectural icon and NE Broadway? To get back on point, if one did venture into one of these DD's, certain things are infallible. The patrons will invariably have more children than teeth, have a total inches of girth number higher than their I.Q., and will make a quick stop at DD after picking up their lotto tickets and before their weekly splurge dinner at Red Lobster.
Secondly, Dunkin Donuts is all over the East Coast. I am emphatically NOT all over the East Coast. I mean, techincally I generally am as I spend like 8 months out of the year there, but really anything that is particular to that side of the country I meet with disdain and distrust. I feel distinctly aloof and proud in my inability to partake in the DD madness, and also would truly feel unfaithful to my coast and my people if I did in fact inbibe in one of those g.d. drinks. Thirdly, Dunkin Donuts commercials infiltrate my life. They're quite vexatious! When I'm unwinding with a good, heart-wrenching episode of Grey's, I'm not trying to hear "American Runs on Dunkin" 134256 times. Am I not an American, DD? Because last time I checked, the 14th Amendment told me I was. But do I run on Dunkin? False. I don't even run!
Fourthly, and most importantly, if I ever went to DD, I'd be cheating on my most faithful companion - someone I've been with for years of my life, someone who has never ever let me down. This someone is known as Starbucks. Starbucks is a GOD among coffee-houses. It gets a lot of shit for being a big corporation and too expensive, but whatever! It's not simply about the single cup of coffee/tea/myriad beverages they can provide you with, it's about the whole Starbucks experience. Unlike DD, Starbucks is classy. No matter where you are in the world (and I've heartily tested this theory), you can walk into a Starbucks, and it will be clean, and jewel-toned, with lots of abstract art on the walls and jazzy relaxing music playing in the pleasantly-lit background. The chairs are comfy and oversized, and their display cases never falter to be aesthetically pleasing. Unlike DD, Starbucks is a west-coast operation. Gotta stay true to my roots, you know, and Starbucks just makes it so gosh darn easy to be proud of the good old left side of the country! Unlike DD, Starbucks doesn't air commericals. Nope, they're just naturally popular enough without feeling the need to kill my braincells for 30 seconds 7 times an hour. Take that, DD! People don't need to be lured or tricked or brainwashed into going to Starbucks - they just inately want to! I mean, I know I always do.
So yeah, garbage bin screamer, your actions aren't surprising. I'm willing to barter that if you just ditch your filthy DD habit and pull through a SB drive-thru instead, your minimal brain-power will experience a rapid increase. I mean, it's not like it can go anywhere but up, right?
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
While babysitting earlier today, I was treated to an hour of "Animal Planet" viewing. And just for the record, Animals Really Aren't My Thing. Puppies and kittens are cute, and I would love a giraffe pocket pet, but really I'm more of a human lover than an animal lover. That is why the topic of "Humanimals" baffles me to my very core. You may be wondering, as I was, what exactly is a "Humanimal"? Welp, it's a hybrid human-animal, or in layman's terms, a person who feels as though they are truly an animal spirit trapped inside a human body. It's kind of like being transgendered...or i suppose, transspecied. Now, I'm not judging - just so intrigued and also confused as to how this works out for these Humanimals.
From what I gathered, there are two types of Humanimals. The first type is what you would call a "body modifier", who do things like get illegal surgery in panama in order to make their profiles look more like their chosen animal. Or get their tongue spliced in order to more accurately represent their lizard-like ambitions. Consider this example:
Now, this man is so dedicated to living life as a lizard that he has had numerous surgeries, often traveling outside of the u.s. to get risky operations. he's had his teeth filed, tongue cut, and tattoos of lizard skin cover his body. You really have got to admire that sort of dedication - that's a lot of pain to endure for a lifestyle a lot of people will mock. What pluck.
The second type of "Humanimal", and the kind I find personally less understandable (but still, not judging) are "Furries". These are people who choose to show that they are an animal spirit not by deforming their bodies, but rather by donning large fur costumes, and then do not speak but rather "transform" in and out of their animalistic personas.
Now to me, this just seems like kind of a cop out. I mean, if you're going to go animal, I say go balls to the wall. If you're going to publicly admit that you were born the wrong species, then I think you should have enough gumption to not just slip in and out of your animal role by parading around town like a mascot. As I see it, Furries are like the pussy bitches of the Humanimal world. Essentially they are making a mockery out of their body modifier peers! Wow, now that I'm writing this all out I'm getting pretty heated on behalf of the real Humanimals! They should hire me as their PR agent, seeing as many of them chose to communicate solely in their "native" (read: animal) tongue. But yeah, Furries - who do you think you are? Stop shaming the name of good Humanimals everywhere. Man up! Or, rather...Animal up.
From what I gathered, there are two types of Humanimals. The first type is what you would call a "body modifier", who do things like get illegal surgery in panama in order to make their profiles look more like their chosen animal. Or get their tongue spliced in order to more accurately represent their lizard-like ambitions. Consider this example:
Now, this man is so dedicated to living life as a lizard that he has had numerous surgeries, often traveling outside of the u.s. to get risky operations. he's had his teeth filed, tongue cut, and tattoos of lizard skin cover his body. You really have got to admire that sort of dedication - that's a lot of pain to endure for a lifestyle a lot of people will mock. What pluck.
The second type of "Humanimal", and the kind I find personally less understandable (but still, not judging) are "Furries". These are people who choose to show that they are an animal spirit not by deforming their bodies, but rather by donning large fur costumes, and then do not speak but rather "transform" in and out of their animalistic personas.
Now to me, this just seems like kind of a cop out. I mean, if you're going to go animal, I say go balls to the wall. If you're going to publicly admit that you were born the wrong species, then I think you should have enough gumption to not just slip in and out of your animal role by parading around town like a mascot. As I see it, Furries are like the pussy bitches of the Humanimal world. Essentially they are making a mockery out of their body modifier peers! Wow, now that I'm writing this all out I'm getting pretty heated on behalf of the real Humanimals! They should hire me as their PR agent, seeing as many of them chose to communicate solely in their "native" (read: animal) tongue. But yeah, Furries - who do you think you are? Stop shaming the name of good Humanimals everywhere. Man up! Or, rather...Animal up.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
recently while browsing the internets, i came across two deeply unsettling photographs, ones that make me embarrassed to be an American. No, they aren't pictures of Army men torturing prisoners, they aren't pictures of Miley Cyrus. They are, in fact, merely portraits of every-day, regular people who show exactly what is wrong with this great country of ours.
Exhibit 1:
while i'm not sure exactly what this man is protesting (fashion and grammar both viable options), to me he represents the worst american mindset. people thinking they are better than everyone else because they are from the good old U.S. of A, but in demonstrating their "superiority", they make a typical white-trash error such as spelling a simple 6 letter word incorrectly, thus making a mockery out of themselves. i mean, let's just take a look at the picture. i see a man with a mullet and a handkerchief tied around his head. he's holding two patriotic signs proudly and he sports designer-imposter ray bans. to his right, we see a midriff-baring woman who is holding a sign that i've been scrutinizing for way too long and have thus concluded says "freedom rings". so seriously, you people, just WHO are you calling a "moran"? I mean really, if you're going to make a statement, make sure it's grammatically correct and try to look more life you have a house and less like said house is a trailer.
Exhibit 2:
Let me just start off by saying, these people have since been banned from Disneyland. Unfortunately for all, they were not banned from LIFE as would have been more appropriate. So many things are wrong with this picture, it's hard to know where to start. I suppose with the fact that the middle woman is holding a beer and it's they daytime, but to call her out on that would be calling the kettle black, as I'm a big fan of daydrinking. So let's start with the fact that this is a daughter with her parents. A mother and daughter duo and a proud pop. A pop proud of his wife and little girl walking around with their boobs hanging out of their shirts a la regina george. Bouncing down Main Street, USA with their lady parts available to all eyes. The eyes of the children who are just trying to enjoy their day in the magical kingdom without being assaulted with these sexually explicit images. As if this wasn't bad enough, these trashy a-holes have further insulted their fellow citizens by desecrating one of the greatest Americans accomplishments of all time - the beloved Mickey & Minnie Mouse. This seriously causes me more pain than when Jen & Brad broke up. Because who has two thumbs, a Little Mermaid fetish and still screams with delight when the line is shorter than anticipated? THIS GIRL. This blatant and disgusting display of disrespect makes me want to behead these idiots. And look at the dad smile! Like "ooh i'm so proud of my mother/daughter slut team and the way they take the best of American and immediately turn it into the worst! I've done so well in raising a good, solid family! Kudos to me!"
Exhibit 1:
while i'm not sure exactly what this man is protesting (fashion and grammar both viable options), to me he represents the worst american mindset. people thinking they are better than everyone else because they are from the good old U.S. of A, but in demonstrating their "superiority", they make a typical white-trash error such as spelling a simple 6 letter word incorrectly, thus making a mockery out of themselves. i mean, let's just take a look at the picture. i see a man with a mullet and a handkerchief tied around his head. he's holding two patriotic signs proudly and he sports designer-imposter ray bans. to his right, we see a midriff-baring woman who is holding a sign that i've been scrutinizing for way too long and have thus concluded says "freedom rings". so seriously, you people, just WHO are you calling a "moran"? I mean really, if you're going to make a statement, make sure it's grammatically correct and try to look more life you have a house and less like said house is a trailer.
Exhibit 2:
Let me just start off by saying, these people have since been banned from Disneyland. Unfortunately for all, they were not banned from LIFE as would have been more appropriate. So many things are wrong with this picture, it's hard to know where to start. I suppose with the fact that the middle woman is holding a beer and it's they daytime, but to call her out on that would be calling the kettle black, as I'm a big fan of daydrinking. So let's start with the fact that this is a daughter with her parents. A mother and daughter duo and a proud pop. A pop proud of his wife and little girl walking around with their boobs hanging out of their shirts a la regina george. Bouncing down Main Street, USA with their lady parts available to all eyes. The eyes of the children who are just trying to enjoy their day in the magical kingdom without being assaulted with these sexually explicit images. As if this wasn't bad enough, these trashy a-holes have further insulted their fellow citizens by desecrating one of the greatest Americans accomplishments of all time - the beloved Mickey & Minnie Mouse. This seriously causes me more pain than when Jen & Brad broke up. Because who has two thumbs, a Little Mermaid fetish and still screams with delight when the line is shorter than anticipated? THIS GIRL. This blatant and disgusting display of disrespect makes me want to behead these idiots. And look at the dad smile! Like "ooh i'm so proud of my mother/daughter slut team and the way they take the best of American and immediately turn it into the worst! I've done so well in raising a good, solid family! Kudos to me!"
Thursday, June 11, 2009
life goals for my 21st year on this planet:
I. Actual Goals That I'm Pretty Confident I Can Achieve
a. get in shape. a shape that is not doughy or round. a shape that is made by exercise and sweat rather than otterpops for breakfast. why i can do this: because chasing four 3 year olds around the pool, convincing them that sitting on the stairs is infinitely more fun than going down the slide is just another name for running with water resistance built right in. and lifting the obese children in and out of the pool is great for the arms. i could even make a work-out video!
b. read 52 books before my next birthday, the big 2-2. 52 new books. i will not allow myself to simply read Sorcerer's Stone fifty-two times. Or, I can (and will), but have to read 52 other books as well. why i can do this: i like to read. my mom buys books to appear educated and trendy (a lot of Oprah's seal of approval in this house), so my supply is undiminishable. i will also have time to do this because i hate the time right in between being awake and being asleep, so it's preferable if i'm reading and then just oop! all of a sudden it's morning and a book is on my chest.
c. make an effort to save more/spend less. this seems prudent given the recession, and the fact that at best i'm a poor collegiate. why i can do this: because life depends on it. when it comes to these life/death decisions, i'm generally good at prioritizing (unless alcohol is involved, or if i think the fun-ness of a deathly idea has the potential to make a reeeeally cool obituary).
d. watch more artsy indie movies and less abc family channel original movies. because now that i can legally drink, i think it's time to cut that cord. and i enjoy appearing cultured. and i really did like slumdog millionaire. why i can do this: because in watching Melissa Joan Hart & Joey Lawrence in My Fake Fiance, I know I've already seen the best of the abc fam originals.
II. Maybe/Maybe Not Goals:
a. ride my bicycle to work every day. the maybe: because it's good for the environment and my body (per goal 1a). because it's a 7 minute ride tops, and because my dad is pimpin' out my bike as we speak (can you say "fresh new handlebars"?). maybe not: because i am clairvoyant and know that there is going to be some miserable, rainy, mid-summer portland morning when, at 8:40am, i'm going to hear every fiber of my warm-and-comfy loving body shout out, "passat wagon, passat wagon", and those cries are going to be louder than mother nature's demure whisper to save the earth.
b. get a 4.0 senior year. the maybe: because it's not like i go to harvard. because i spend a looot of time on facebook/reading harry potter aloud with certain roomies/drinking my body weight and stumbling around the unforgiving streets of worcester, and if i dedicated that time to studying, the possibilities are endless. the maybe not: because i am reeeally looking forward to ridiculous nights at the blarney, interacting with the local woo-rats. because i'm not really interested in my classes next semester, and because my capstone will be at 9am on a friday morning.
c. use surfthechannel.com less. the maybe: it gives my computer viruses and makes safari freeze as soon as i get onto perez. so i'm missing a lot of vital celeb-world information, which is simply inexcusable. maybe not: because a lot of the time, all i really want is to relive the glory days of the Bartlett administration, or watch a first season bones episode to see how much the sexual tension has grown (which is a lot, in case you were wondering).
d. eat breakfast every day. the maybe: i hear this is good for you. and i do really love breakfasty foods like waffles and pancakes and even a solid bowl of regular cheerios. the maybe not: because i also like sleep. and making pancakes or waffles is a commitment that could shave at least a half hour off of my sleeping time, which i just can't condone.
III. Hey, A Girl Can Dream, Right? Goals:
a. become friends with sophia bush and hilarie burton via the plan outlined in an earlier blog entry. why this will never happen: they are cool and famous. i am neither of those things. also, the part of the plan that relies on them reading my blog might also make them think that i am some crazy stalker...or a 13 year girl. either one of these two things.
b. go to dc, befriend michelle, break into her closet, and steal many of her hybrid trendy/classic dresses. why this will never happen: white house security these days? well that shit's no joke. so unless i retain the ability to become invisible, or become a top Obama official with passcode knowledge, i'd get shot in any attempt i made to get into that closet.
c. convince one of my less smarts-endowed friends to have a baby so that i can play with it all the time but not have to be pregnant. why this will never happen: none of my friends are actually that stupid, and i suppose i'm not truly that morally bankrupt.
d. be on college jeopardy and win. why this will never happen: because even though college jeopardy is SO EASY, the qualifying test is harder than regular jeopardy. is this just? no, alex trebek, it most certainly is not. no wonder only complete nerds get on and then can't answer the $200 question in "Academy Award Winners 2007". A category I would sweep.
I. Actual Goals That I'm Pretty Confident I Can Achieve
a. get in shape. a shape that is not doughy or round. a shape that is made by exercise and sweat rather than otterpops for breakfast. why i can do this: because chasing four 3 year olds around the pool, convincing them that sitting on the stairs is infinitely more fun than going down the slide is just another name for running with water resistance built right in. and lifting the obese children in and out of the pool is great for the arms. i could even make a work-out video!
b. read 52 books before my next birthday, the big 2-2. 52 new books. i will not allow myself to simply read Sorcerer's Stone fifty-two times. Or, I can (and will), but have to read 52 other books as well. why i can do this: i like to read. my mom buys books to appear educated and trendy (a lot of Oprah's seal of approval in this house), so my supply is undiminishable. i will also have time to do this because i hate the time right in between being awake and being asleep, so it's preferable if i'm reading and then just oop! all of a sudden it's morning and a book is on my chest.
c. make an effort to save more/spend less. this seems prudent given the recession, and the fact that at best i'm a poor collegiate. why i can do this: because life depends on it. when it comes to these life/death decisions, i'm generally good at prioritizing (unless alcohol is involved, or if i think the fun-ness of a deathly idea has the potential to make a reeeeally cool obituary).
d. watch more artsy indie movies and less abc family channel original movies. because now that i can legally drink, i think it's time to cut that cord. and i enjoy appearing cultured. and i really did like slumdog millionaire. why i can do this: because in watching Melissa Joan Hart & Joey Lawrence in My Fake Fiance, I know I've already seen the best of the abc fam originals.
II. Maybe/Maybe Not Goals:
a. ride my bicycle to work every day. the maybe: because it's good for the environment and my body (per goal 1a). because it's a 7 minute ride tops, and because my dad is pimpin' out my bike as we speak (can you say "fresh new handlebars"?). maybe not: because i am clairvoyant and know that there is going to be some miserable, rainy, mid-summer portland morning when, at 8:40am, i'm going to hear every fiber of my warm-and-comfy loving body shout out, "passat wagon, passat wagon", and those cries are going to be louder than mother nature's demure whisper to save the earth.
b. get a 4.0 senior year. the maybe: because it's not like i go to harvard. because i spend a looot of time on facebook/reading harry potter aloud with certain roomies/drinking my body weight and stumbling around the unforgiving streets of worcester, and if i dedicated that time to studying, the possibilities are endless. the maybe not: because i am reeeally looking forward to ridiculous nights at the blarney, interacting with the local woo-rats. because i'm not really interested in my classes next semester, and because my capstone will be at 9am on a friday morning.
c. use surfthechannel.com less. the maybe: it gives my computer viruses and makes safari freeze as soon as i get onto perez. so i'm missing a lot of vital celeb-world information, which is simply inexcusable. maybe not: because a lot of the time, all i really want is to relive the glory days of the Bartlett administration, or watch a first season bones episode to see how much the sexual tension has grown (which is a lot, in case you were wondering).
d. eat breakfast every day. the maybe: i hear this is good for you. and i do really love breakfasty foods like waffles and pancakes and even a solid bowl of regular cheerios. the maybe not: because i also like sleep. and making pancakes or waffles is a commitment that could shave at least a half hour off of my sleeping time, which i just can't condone.
III. Hey, A Girl Can Dream, Right? Goals:
a. become friends with sophia bush and hilarie burton via the plan outlined in an earlier blog entry. why this will never happen: they are cool and famous. i am neither of those things. also, the part of the plan that relies on them reading my blog might also make them think that i am some crazy stalker...or a 13 year girl. either one of these two things.
b. go to dc, befriend michelle, break into her closet, and steal many of her hybrid trendy/classic dresses. why this will never happen: white house security these days? well that shit's no joke. so unless i retain the ability to become invisible, or become a top Obama official with passcode knowledge, i'd get shot in any attempt i made to get into that closet.
c. convince one of my less smarts-endowed friends to have a baby so that i can play with it all the time but not have to be pregnant. why this will never happen: none of my friends are actually that stupid, and i suppose i'm not truly that morally bankrupt.
d. be on college jeopardy and win. why this will never happen: because even though college jeopardy is SO EASY, the qualifying test is harder than regular jeopardy. is this just? no, alex trebek, it most certainly is not. no wonder only complete nerds get on and then can't answer the $200 question in "Academy Award Winners 2007". A category I would sweep.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Top 5 Friend Groups I'd Like To Infiltrate:
5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel
But really, Zooey & Emily's alter-ego Temperance Brennan of Bones fame. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. The funniest forensic anthropologist I've ever seen on prime-time! She may not be great at girl talk because she doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but both sisters can sing so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Zooey clothes.
4. The Cast of One Tree Hill
Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except that time the sex tape came out and everyone rioted. But seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth. And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz), if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas - well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for any occasion. Plus, Tree Hill looks like such a fun place to live! Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnappings and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life?
3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel
Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, office romances, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, lead the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East nuclear tension, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. They lead the country, but they look cool while doing it (much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits), and I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations peppered with wit while we stroll along the White House grounds.
2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Because Tina is my number 1 celebrity girl crush. Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be so great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have given us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. They're funny girls yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world?! Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they each have one. What more could a girl ask for?
1. I mean, who else?
Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them! I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom. I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac. Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. Nothing funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Nothing greater than friends.
5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel
But really, Zooey & Emily's alter-ego Temperance Brennan of Bones fame. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. The funniest forensic anthropologist I've ever seen on prime-time! She may not be great at girl talk because she doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but both sisters can sing so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Zooey clothes.
4. The Cast of One Tree Hill
Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except that time the sex tape came out and everyone rioted. But seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth. And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz), if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas - well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for any occasion. Plus, Tree Hill looks like such a fun place to live! Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnappings and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life?
3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel
Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, office romances, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, lead the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East nuclear tension, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. They lead the country, but they look cool while doing it (much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits), and I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations peppered with wit while we stroll along the White House grounds.
2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Because Tina is my number 1 celebrity girl crush. Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be so great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have given us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. They're funny girls yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world?! Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they each have one. What more could a girl ask for?
1. I mean, who else?
Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them! I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom. I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac. Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. Nothing funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Nothing greater than friends.
Monday, June 1, 2009
things in life that i am so over:
twilight. WHEN WILL THIS INSANITY END? I won't treat you all to my anti-Twilight tirade, since it's long-winded, full of irrational (to some) biases, and frankly every time I get started I just get and more upset at the series infiltrating my life in such an enormous fashion, even though I have boycotted reading the books and seeing the movie. Suffice it to say, even though I was never "under" Twilight, I am now officially more than ever, just OVER IT. i couldn't even watch the mtv movie awards last night because i just knew it was going to be twilight dominated. how sad is that?! i love those awards! i mean, i understand they are just a tweeny-drived materialistic red-headed stepchild of like the daytime emmy's, but it's frivolous fun and it's not right it was taken from me by that insipid linkin park loving stephanie myers. and thanks, robert pattison. you're dirty, and shaggy and you play a vegetarian vampire (the concept of which is the stupidest thing in the WORLD - either be a fucking vampire or don't, okay?), and you've taken the mtv awards from me too. which means, in active avoidance of your disgusting visage, i missed the newest HP6 clip that premiered last night during the show. Remember your good friend the Harry Potter franchise, bobby? Why have you turned on those who gave you your ascent into stardom?! Cedric never would have, may he rest in peace.
michigan. recently, the michigan tourism industry is pumping money into commercials that are being shown here. in OREGON. Like, what?! It's bad enough that we get those lame California commercials with Rob Lowe and Maria & Arnie drinking wine in Napa, but at least that makes sense because we're neighbors. But Michigan? If I hadn't been the geography whiz of the 5th grade, I wouldn't even know where the fuck Michigan was! For argument's sake, I just google map'd it, and it is in fact over 2,000 miles away. And what the hell is even IN michigan? A failing, bankrupt auto industry? Thousands of laid-off workers? Detroit? Freezing and unbearable temperatures? Weird accents and women who wear sweaters with snowmen on them? Um...no thanks. And, according to a quick Wiki, michigan has the 3rd most registered hunters in the US. Well cool if I were Sarah Palin, but thank my lucky stars I'm not. so sorry, michigan tourism industry, your commercial creates more confusion instead of a burning desire to visit your midwestern state, even if it does have more public golf courses than any other state.
hipsters. also known as 90% of the age 18-30 bracket of Portland. you know what i'm so over about these guys? well, mainly the fact that they think they are oh-so much better than I am. Guess what? Just because I don't dress in an androgynous fashion and title my facebook albums . or " or z, just because I'd rather watch The Sweetest Thing over some artsy foreign film and I don't smoke cigarettes doesn't give you the right to judge me from behind your ironically funky sunglasses. I see your pitying glances when I turn into Starbucks and you turn into your anti-corporation cafe/hookah bar combo. Like "ooh she goes to Starbucks and supports American capitalism, and I don't think that shirt is from American Apparel. She probably doesn't even know who Kafka is, and I doubt she reads The New Yorker" Oh, BURN. Good one, hipster. By the way, I love how you and your boyfriend have matching skinny jeans and hairstyles. Now, the thing is - I could easily become a hipster. I have all the right ingredients - I do own skinny jeans, I go to a small, private liberal arts school. I have tattoos. I like gay people. I studied abroad in Europe. NYT.com is my homepage. But I resist this urge with a venegance, unlike most of the people with whom I went to high school. Because, simply, these assholes are hypocrites. "Oh, I'm so cool and unique in my thrift store shapeless dress and my pack of American spirits. Maybe I'll just go hang out on Mississippi and talk about my super-far-left politics...oh, 100 people are already here doing just that. Weird!"
over it.
twilight. WHEN WILL THIS INSANITY END? I won't treat you all to my anti-Twilight tirade, since it's long-winded, full of irrational (to some) biases, and frankly every time I get started I just get and more upset at the series infiltrating my life in such an enormous fashion, even though I have boycotted reading the books and seeing the movie. Suffice it to say, even though I was never "under" Twilight, I am now officially more than ever, just OVER IT. i couldn't even watch the mtv movie awards last night because i just knew it was going to be twilight dominated. how sad is that?! i love those awards! i mean, i understand they are just a tweeny-drived materialistic red-headed stepchild of like the daytime emmy's, but it's frivolous fun and it's not right it was taken from me by that insipid linkin park loving stephanie myers. and thanks, robert pattison. you're dirty, and shaggy and you play a vegetarian vampire (the concept of which is the stupidest thing in the WORLD - either be a fucking vampire or don't, okay?), and you've taken the mtv awards from me too. which means, in active avoidance of your disgusting visage, i missed the newest HP6 clip that premiered last night during the show. Remember your good friend the Harry Potter franchise, bobby? Why have you turned on those who gave you your ascent into stardom?! Cedric never would have, may he rest in peace.
michigan. recently, the michigan tourism industry is pumping money into commercials that are being shown here. in OREGON. Like, what?! It's bad enough that we get those lame California commercials with Rob Lowe and Maria & Arnie drinking wine in Napa, but at least that makes sense because we're neighbors. But Michigan? If I hadn't been the geography whiz of the 5th grade, I wouldn't even know where the fuck Michigan was! For argument's sake, I just google map'd it, and it is in fact over 2,000 miles away. And what the hell is even IN michigan? A failing, bankrupt auto industry? Thousands of laid-off workers? Detroit? Freezing and unbearable temperatures? Weird accents and women who wear sweaters with snowmen on them? Um...no thanks. And, according to a quick Wiki, michigan has the 3rd most registered hunters in the US. Well cool if I were Sarah Palin, but thank my lucky stars I'm not. so sorry, michigan tourism industry, your commercial creates more confusion instead of a burning desire to visit your midwestern state, even if it does have more public golf courses than any other state.
hipsters. also known as 90% of the age 18-30 bracket of Portland. you know what i'm so over about these guys? well, mainly the fact that they think they are oh-so much better than I am. Guess what? Just because I don't dress in an androgynous fashion and title my facebook albums . or " or z, just because I'd rather watch The Sweetest Thing over some artsy foreign film and I don't smoke cigarettes doesn't give you the right to judge me from behind your ironically funky sunglasses. I see your pitying glances when I turn into Starbucks and you turn into your anti-corporation cafe/hookah bar combo. Like "ooh she goes to Starbucks and supports American capitalism, and I don't think that shirt is from American Apparel. She probably doesn't even know who Kafka is, and I doubt she reads The New Yorker" Oh, BURN. Good one, hipster. By the way, I love how you and your boyfriend have matching skinny jeans and hairstyles. Now, the thing is - I could easily become a hipster. I have all the right ingredients - I do own skinny jeans, I go to a small, private liberal arts school. I have tattoos. I like gay people. I studied abroad in Europe. NYT.com is my homepage. But I resist this urge with a venegance, unlike most of the people with whom I went to high school. Because, simply, these assholes are hypocrites. "Oh, I'm so cool and unique in my thrift store shapeless dress and my pack of American spirits. Maybe I'll just go hang out on Mississippi and talk about my super-far-left politics...oh, 100 people are already here doing just that. Weird!"
over it.
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