dear jon and kate of plus 8 fame,
why are you doing this to me? don't pretend like you don't know what i'm talking about - i saw you in the grocery line today on at least 3 different magazine covers. do you have any idea how much agony you cause me these days? listen up, i've been a fan of yours (well, of your children's - kate, i've had you pegged as a bat-shit psycho since day one, and jon, could you be a duller village idiot?) for years, ever since your very first hourlong special on tlc. you know, back when your catchphrase was more along the lines of "two 6 year olds and six 2 year olds" and less "i have never cheated on my spouse". i'm just really so irked by you two. OF COURSE you are having marital problems! dude, jon was like 22 when you got married, which in male maturity age puts him at 17 max. can you blame him for wanting to stray? clearly his wild oats have yet to be sown!
but that's beside the point. to be honest with you, i don't want you to be honest with me. i could not care less what you two do with your (amazingly frequent for 8 kids) free time - you can have same sex affairs with elephants for all i care, because jon and kate, no one cares about you. no one really cares about mady either because she's a little shit 95% of the time, and cara's alright, but we all know who the true moneymakers are. people watch your show because you have sextuplets! and they don't! and sextuplets are cool because that is a LOT of human to have in your womb at one time! but more importantly, your sextuplets at their simplest form are just six times the amount of cuteness of a regular biracial kid (which is already like 1.5 times the cutness of a commonplace old boring one race kid). so stop bitching and complaining and thinking the sun shines out of your two asses, because it doesn't. i don't want to watch that dr. phil shit. all i want out of you two is encouragement for your kids saying the darndest things, per below.
i mean, i'm almost 21. i can comprehend that daddies have weiners, but see how cute and earnest little joel looks when he shares that newsworthy tidbit? COMEDIC GOLD. so, parents, get over yourselves. you and your infidelity is nothing special! it's not like MLK, Jr. was monogamous but no one cares and he is remembered for his great accomplishments. your marriage, kate, your hair - these are not accomplishments, clearly. but your kids are! they're more articulate than you, jon, and cuter than you, kate, so please just give me half-hour increments of alexis talking about her "alldergators" or aaden pretending to be a giraffe. i get enough drama from grey's anatomy, thanks very much. i'm just looking for escapism with some adorable children, so if i could get that without a mention of your lame ass everyday problems, that would be splendid.
very sincerely yours,
hgc
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
today has been somewhat of a rollercoaster of emotions. first, something amazing happened (no, not a hilburton/sophbush friendship, we just put that plan into place, people). while doing some online browsing, i stumbled upon and watched the pilot episode of the new fox show "Glee".
it.was.amazing.
in my mind, the only thing that can make a television show or movie better is some sort of musical spectacular scene. i mean, what would First Wives Club be without "You Don't Own Me"? Just a bunch of middle aged divorcees bitching! How much more fun did you have watching Full House when the Beach Boys would make sporadic and often nonsensical appearances at DJ's birthday parties? So I clearly already knew "Glee" and I were going to be buds. And then I started watching this Breakfast Club/Mamma Mia! hybrid, and just...wow.
The "Glee" characters are a hilariously mismatched group of misfits and a lone jock, and MAN do they do quick work on your heart. My personal favorite was the token sassy black girl who sang "RESPECT" like a champ and made a hilarious "I'm Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Rowlands" joke.
So the episode is moving along, and I'm enjoying myself when the best possible thing happens in the last five minutes or so. That's right - the kids, newly dedicated to success amidst typical high-school adversity and dressed in snazzy matching fitters and trendy black chucks, started singing Journey. And not just ˆany Journey, but the end-all be-all of Journey greatness: Don't Stop Believin'. As soon as I heard those opening notes, my like exploded into love and I knew "Glee" and I had moved into a committed relationship.
Then, I heard the saddest news. My Journey-induced high was shot down like an old Indian on the Trail of Tears. No more "Glee" episodes until the FALLTIME. The pilot was just released as a little sampler of excitement to come. Fox - what a tease! It's like one of those girls or Jonas Brothers who wait until marriage for sex; it's just not fair to the rest of the world. Already my life has been battered down by the fact that Lucas and Peyton are leaving TH, Izzie may or may not die and leave Alex a broken man, and I won't know until fucking 2010 if the detonation of the hydrogen bomb DID IN FACT make time jump backwards on the LOST island! JUST when my hopes had been raised by the promise of listening to seriously bitchin' a capella versions of 80s classics once a week, the television industry took that away from me too.
I suppose this will have to suffice for the long summer months...watch and enjoy. Pay special attention to when the wheelchair-bound kid (lots of diversity on this show) shreds the guitar solo. BAMF.
it.was.amazing.
in my mind, the only thing that can make a television show or movie better is some sort of musical spectacular scene. i mean, what would First Wives Club be without "You Don't Own Me"? Just a bunch of middle aged divorcees bitching! How much more fun did you have watching Full House when the Beach Boys would make sporadic and often nonsensical appearances at DJ's birthday parties? So I clearly already knew "Glee" and I were going to be buds. And then I started watching this Breakfast Club/Mamma Mia! hybrid, and just...wow.
The "Glee" characters are a hilariously mismatched group of misfits and a lone jock, and MAN do they do quick work on your heart. My personal favorite was the token sassy black girl who sang "RESPECT" like a champ and made a hilarious "I'm Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Rowlands" joke.
So the episode is moving along, and I'm enjoying myself when the best possible thing happens in the last five minutes or so. That's right - the kids, newly dedicated to success amidst typical high-school adversity and dressed in snazzy matching fitters and trendy black chucks, started singing Journey. And not just ˆany Journey, but the end-all be-all of Journey greatness: Don't Stop Believin'. As soon as I heard those opening notes, my like exploded into love and I knew "Glee" and I had moved into a committed relationship.
Then, I heard the saddest news. My Journey-induced high was shot down like an old Indian on the Trail of Tears. No more "Glee" episodes until the FALLTIME. The pilot was just released as a little sampler of excitement to come. Fox - what a tease! It's like one of those girls or Jonas Brothers who wait until marriage for sex; it's just not fair to the rest of the world. Already my life has been battered down by the fact that Lucas and Peyton are leaving TH, Izzie may or may not die and leave Alex a broken man, and I won't know until fucking 2010 if the detonation of the hydrogen bomb DID IN FACT make time jump backwards on the LOST island! JUST when my hopes had been raised by the promise of listening to seriously bitchin' a capella versions of 80s classics once a week, the television industry took that away from me too.
I suppose this will have to suffice for the long summer months...watch and enjoy. Pay special attention to when the wheelchair-bound kid (lots of diversity on this show) shreds the guitar solo. BAMF.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
in middle school, we girls would giggle our way through creating "top fives", a list of the five boys that had won us over with their prepubescent charm that particular week. Recently, I was thinking back on those days with rose-colored glasses when the harsh truth of reality hit me that were I to make a similar list today, not only would it be comprised of people I didn't personally know, it would really only include fictional characters. That's right, I have reached the point in my single-girl life that my fantasies have become so deluded that my dream men don't even exist in real life, let alone in my life. Therefore, I now present to you...
My Top 5 Fictional Characters With Whom I'd Like To Be Married
5. Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones is exactly what I aspire to be: half-time historian, half-time sleuth, full-time badass. He's a professor, so he's a smarty-pants, but he's not afraid of living in the fast lane. While he might covet adventure and women more than I'd like (especially when we have kids), he's savvy enough to remain relatively unmaimed even as he swings on a collapsed suspension bridge while spears are being shot his way. That takes some serious skill! Furthermore, have you seen that man work his whip? Enough said.
4. Dr. Spencer Reid of "Criminal Minds"
I'm not exactly sure why this geek appeals to me so much, but God he does. Usually, I'm not that into dudes with long hair, but I'm thinking it's his impeccable bone structure that really makes up for it. He also has a photographic memory, so he would never forget my birthday or our anniversary. Sure, working for the FBI does expose him to things like anthrax and the occasional kidnap and torture, but I mean, Who Haven't? He's been working out to ensure that doesn't happen again, so he's buff, and he's been called a certified genius more than once. What's not to love?
3. Mr. Darcy
One of my favorite things is people who have a tough outer shell but a heart of gold (B. Davis, Temperance Brennan, etc). This describes Darcy perfectly - he may act all masculine and tempermental (which he is in allll the right ways), but when it comes down to it, he'll always do the right thing and follow his heart. He's a doting older brother, and MAN is he rich! He's well read and likes a little spitfire in a woman, which I would be more than willing to provide. Plus, he sure does give a great "listen bitch I'm in love with you" speech. He might rank #1 in that category.
2. Lucas Scott of "One Tree Hill"
He's an athlete and a scholar - the best of both worlds, as my friend Miley might say. He quotes literary greats like it's his job, he can fix a car like it's no big thing, and I'll be damned if he doesn't have some serious integrity. That Karen Roe really raised her son right. Lucas always tries to do what's right, even if it means self-sacrificing himself to live in his manipulative father's house. He's a true philanthropist, always thinking of others. He might need a few reminders to keep his hair from growing too long and looking like a boy band-er, but I'm sure he's worth the trouble.
1. Ron Weasley
Sure, he's not rich like Darcy, a genius like Spencer, an adventurer like Indy or an athlete like Lucas, but Ron Weasley has heart. Both his and mine. Despite the fact that he's a wizard (a fact that makes me love him all the more), he's probably the most attainable of all fictional characters on this list. He's not the superhero Harry, but he's loyal, dependable, and endearingly imperfect. Ron Weasley just wants to matter in this world, and riddle me a nobler cause. He has proven himself to be a force to be reckoned with whether he's on the Quidditch pitch or fighting Voldy and his Death Eater cronies. He simply tries his hardest and does the best he can. And who wouldn't want Molly Weasley for a mother in law?!
My Top 5 Fictional Characters With Whom I'd Like To Be Married
5. Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones is exactly what I aspire to be: half-time historian, half-time sleuth, full-time badass. He's a professor, so he's a smarty-pants, but he's not afraid of living in the fast lane. While he might covet adventure and women more than I'd like (especially when we have kids), he's savvy enough to remain relatively unmaimed even as he swings on a collapsed suspension bridge while spears are being shot his way. That takes some serious skill! Furthermore, have you seen that man work his whip? Enough said.
4. Dr. Spencer Reid of "Criminal Minds"
I'm not exactly sure why this geek appeals to me so much, but God he does. Usually, I'm not that into dudes with long hair, but I'm thinking it's his impeccable bone structure that really makes up for it. He also has a photographic memory, so he would never forget my birthday or our anniversary. Sure, working for the FBI does expose him to things like anthrax and the occasional kidnap and torture, but I mean, Who Haven't? He's been working out to ensure that doesn't happen again, so he's buff, and he's been called a certified genius more than once. What's not to love?
3. Mr. Darcy
One of my favorite things is people who have a tough outer shell but a heart of gold (B. Davis, Temperance Brennan, etc). This describes Darcy perfectly - he may act all masculine and tempermental (which he is in allll the right ways), but when it comes down to it, he'll always do the right thing and follow his heart. He's a doting older brother, and MAN is he rich! He's well read and likes a little spitfire in a woman, which I would be more than willing to provide. Plus, he sure does give a great "listen bitch I'm in love with you" speech. He might rank #1 in that category.
2. Lucas Scott of "One Tree Hill"
He's an athlete and a scholar - the best of both worlds, as my friend Miley might say. He quotes literary greats like it's his job, he can fix a car like it's no big thing, and I'll be damned if he doesn't have some serious integrity. That Karen Roe really raised her son right. Lucas always tries to do what's right, even if it means self-sacrificing himself to live in his manipulative father's house. He's a true philanthropist, always thinking of others. He might need a few reminders to keep his hair from growing too long and looking like a boy band-er, but I'm sure he's worth the trouble.
1. Ron Weasley
Sure, he's not rich like Darcy, a genius like Spencer, an adventurer like Indy or an athlete like Lucas, but Ron Weasley has heart. Both his and mine. Despite the fact that he's a wizard (a fact that makes me love him all the more), he's probably the most attainable of all fictional characters on this list. He's not the superhero Harry, but he's loyal, dependable, and endearingly imperfect. Ron Weasley just wants to matter in this world, and riddle me a nobler cause. He has proven himself to be a force to be reckoned with whether he's on the Quidditch pitch or fighting Voldy and his Death Eater cronies. He simply tries his hardest and does the best he can. And who wouldn't want Molly Weasley for a mother in law?!
recently, i was victim to a life-changing event. an event so powerful and so bittersweet it's taken me this long to process it fully enough to blog. yes, dear reader(s?), you've guessed it, i could only be talking about one thing - my last night in Tree Hill.
the One Tree Hill season 6 finale was a masterpiece of emotion. Though I began my time with the Ravens a dubious critic, this quiet North Carolina town and it's inhabitants have now changed my life. I've laughed, I've cried, I've made some great friends. The season finale, however, was the pinnacle of Tree Hill success stories, eclipsing even the great 3 pointer state champion shot and subsequent Lucas/Peyton makeout of Season 4. That success was immediately tempered by a heart condition and a hit and run by a scorned bookie. But not this time. No, happiness flitted from character to character (although not to Dan Scott, but whose fault is that? He manipulated and fratricide-ed his way through six seasons) as if there had never been a psycho-stalker Derek, as if Jimmy Edwards hadn't shot up the school, as if Victoria had never been "Bitch-toria". It felt more like a series finale than a season finale, and I will be treating it as such. Chad Michael Murray apparently has gotten too good for the CW, and is now joining the elite dream team of Jamie Lee Curtis & Lindsay Lohan for a Freaky Friday sequel. Or something like that. Regardless, there will be no Lucas, Peyton, or baby Sawyer next season. Unfortunately, with the absence of CMM & HB, my heart is waging a hefty battle - is it the unstoppable combination of incestuous friendships between the "Core 5" that I love the most, or will I be able to deal with a 3/5s situation in exchange for having Brooke Davis remain in my life on a more regular basis? Historically, 3/5s compromises haven't held up to pressure, hence my almost certainty that Tree Hill and I will only ever be again in repeats and dear memories.
Clearly the only rational thing to do after finding myself lost (and insecure) post-finale was to re-watch the entirety of the series. Dedicated as I was to this task, the 120+ episodes only took about 5 days to devour. A true high point in my life. But as I relived the days when Lucas would bounce from Brooke to Peyton, when Haley and Nathan were young and unafraid of having the lamest catchphrase ("always and forever"...seriously? writers, you came up with gems such as "it sucks being the foot note in someone else's love story", and yet "always and forever" is the best you could do for Naley?), my desire to friend the entire cast but mostly Sophia Bush & Hilarie Burton only escalated into a code-red situation. Therefore, I have developed a plan. And it includes this very blog.
Step 1: Use my blogger identity to "follow" HB's new production company's blog on blogspot. Check.
Step 2: Leave comments on aforementioned blog that are both cool but engaging enough so that someone might be tempted to check out who wrote such a witty, zany comment. Still talking myself up/revising comment drafts.
Step 3: Get HB to read my blog, realize how much I have dedicated my life to Tree Hill, but not realize how much I have dedicated my life to kind of stalking her, and then have her contact me to be like OMGZ i love you!
Step 4: HB will obviously then share with SB that we all need to become friends. They will then come visit Bethany Joy Galeotti in Battleground, WA where she resides whilst not filming, and then the TRIO OF TREE HILL LADIES will pop down and pay me a visit.
I think it's pretty flawless.
the One Tree Hill season 6 finale was a masterpiece of emotion. Though I began my time with the Ravens a dubious critic, this quiet North Carolina town and it's inhabitants have now changed my life. I've laughed, I've cried, I've made some great friends. The season finale, however, was the pinnacle of Tree Hill success stories, eclipsing even the great 3 pointer state champion shot and subsequent Lucas/Peyton makeout of Season 4. That success was immediately tempered by a heart condition and a hit and run by a scorned bookie. But not this time. No, happiness flitted from character to character (although not to Dan Scott, but whose fault is that? He manipulated and fratricide-ed his way through six seasons) as if there had never been a psycho-stalker Derek, as if Jimmy Edwards hadn't shot up the school, as if Victoria had never been "Bitch-toria". It felt more like a series finale than a season finale, and I will be treating it as such. Chad Michael Murray apparently has gotten too good for the CW, and is now joining the elite dream team of Jamie Lee Curtis & Lindsay Lohan for a Freaky Friday sequel. Or something like that. Regardless, there will be no Lucas, Peyton, or baby Sawyer next season. Unfortunately, with the absence of CMM & HB, my heart is waging a hefty battle - is it the unstoppable combination of incestuous friendships between the "Core 5" that I love the most, or will I be able to deal with a 3/5s situation in exchange for having Brooke Davis remain in my life on a more regular basis? Historically, 3/5s compromises haven't held up to pressure, hence my almost certainty that Tree Hill and I will only ever be again in repeats and dear memories.
Clearly the only rational thing to do after finding myself lost (and insecure) post-finale was to re-watch the entirety of the series. Dedicated as I was to this task, the 120+ episodes only took about 5 days to devour. A true high point in my life. But as I relived the days when Lucas would bounce from Brooke to Peyton, when Haley and Nathan were young and unafraid of having the lamest catchphrase ("always and forever"...seriously? writers, you came up with gems such as "it sucks being the foot note in someone else's love story", and yet "always and forever" is the best you could do for Naley?), my desire to friend the entire cast but mostly Sophia Bush & Hilarie Burton only escalated into a code-red situation. Therefore, I have developed a plan. And it includes this very blog.
Step 1: Use my blogger identity to "follow" HB's new production company's blog on blogspot. Check.
Step 2: Leave comments on aforementioned blog that are both cool but engaging enough so that someone might be tempted to check out who wrote such a witty, zany comment. Still talking myself up/revising comment drafts.
Step 3: Get HB to read my blog, realize how much I have dedicated my life to Tree Hill, but not realize how much I have dedicated my life to kind of stalking her, and then have her contact me to be like OMGZ i love you!
Step 4: HB will obviously then share with SB that we all need to become friends. They will then come visit Bethany Joy Galeotti in Battleground, WA where she resides whilst not filming, and then the TRIO OF TREE HILL LADIES will pop down and pay me a visit.
I think it's pretty flawless.
Monday, May 4, 2009
michael cera
In my post below, I forgot to mention the most obvious and greatest reason why Ellen keeps my will to live from completely shriveling. See, I have this theory/fantasy hybrid that if I were to meet Ellen & Portia, a. we would become friends and b. Portia would set me up with her Arrested Development co-star Michael Cera because she would clearly see that we are destined for each other. Which we are, for many a reason. First, we're both gemini non-vegetarians, so obviously like Elle and Bruiser Woods, we will love each other so much we'll start to match. Secondly, his only quote on IMDB is "I'm not really trying to make great art." Neither am I! In fact, I don't even make art in the first place, let alone great art! Thirdly, he plays the guitar and sings. I do neither of those things, but appreciate it immensely. Fourth, like another one of my soulmates, he is an author AND likes history. I'm a history major and english minor so clearly not only we will have intellectual conversations all the time, he will also probably propose at a battle reenactment whilst quoting a literary great (fingers crossed for JKR), which would be so cool. Such valid reasons clearly show why I'm like 98% positive that if Michael Cera and I were ever to lock eyes at one of Ellen & Portia's big house parties whilst bopping along to k.d. lang, it would be love at first sight.
so the swine flu. that shit sucks. luckily, I rarely if ever leave the corner of my basement couch, so I'm thinking that puts me at pretty low risk for contracting the pig virus. Also, you know what's less than funny? This joke: "Some people used to say that a black man would be president when pigs flew! And look at us now - pig flu!" HAHA LOL. Funny the first time because I like a pun as much as the next girl but a. obamers became Prez BEFORE the H1N1 virus caused mass panic so the joke doesn't really make sense and b. hearing it for the 72nd time from the cashier at starbucks just isn't really something i'm particularly looking for when I go in for a Chai Latte. I'm not looking for you to vamp, starbucks dude, I just need some caffeine.
so the swine flu. that shit sucks. luckily, I rarely if ever leave the corner of my basement couch, so I'm thinking that puts me at pretty low risk for contracting the pig virus. Also, you know what's less than funny? This joke: "Some people used to say that a black man would be president when pigs flew! And look at us now - pig flu!" HAHA LOL. Funny the first time because I like a pun as much as the next girl but a. obamers became Prez BEFORE the H1N1 virus caused mass panic so the joke doesn't really make sense and b. hearing it for the 72nd time from the cashier at starbucks just isn't really something i'm particularly looking for when I go in for a Chai Latte. I'm not looking for you to vamp, starbucks dude, I just need some caffeine.
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