yesterday, i had just managed to get both of my charges into bed and had settled myself down with Half-Blood Prince in preparation for next Tuesday when something on the table caught my eye. I could only see the first three letters of the magazine title, but my mounting excitement was completely spot-on as I pulled out an "American Girl" mag! And not the lame one that just has sleepover ideas and cartoons of tween-aged breast development, no no, the actual magazine with the dolls! Needless to say, there was a narrowly avoided pee-from-extreme-thrill incident. My fingers were trembling when I opened that first page, knowing that Felicity Merriman, redhead, American colonialist and patriot with a Loyalist bff and an overstated love for horses, would be greeting me.

Except, she didn't! Some beezy named Chrissa who is apparently the "American Girl of Today" was staring back at me with vacant, non-historical eyes. Like, who the fuck is this girl? She's from the present! I LIVE in the present, I don't need to learn about it! She's not teaching me about WWII or slavery is she? NO. Her only purpose is one big fashion don't.

It only got worse from there. Felic, Kiki, Addy, Kit & Molly all got the two page spread, normal from what I can recall. But Kaya & Josefina shared a page! What kind of a message is that sending, AG Co, about minorities and ethnicities and power and status? This seems pretty counter-intuitive from the messages you preach in all those "Care & Keeping" books I used to hoard like beanie babies.

You may have noticed that thus far there was been no mention of my absolutely second favorite American Girl (second only to Molly, but really only just because Molly had glasses and so did I), Samantha. WELP, SHE'S GONE. REPLACED! By some Russian Jew named Rebecca Rubin from 1914. WHAT ON EARTH COULD SAMANTHA HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THIS TREASON? She was the ultimate. I mean, come ON! She took us to suffragette rallies with her Aunt Cornelia and her Grand-Mary, and she saved her orphan friends from the perils of turn-of-the-century factory work! She was bad ass! But noooo, let's create some more diversity by bringing this Russian immigrant who is also Jewish into our line of dolls and then RELEGATE HER TO THE SINGLE PAGE WITH THE OTHER MINORITIES.

Honestly, I feel as though the very premise of my love of history has been violated and torn apart in the most brutal fashion. I strongly believe that my history major is a direct result of hours spent reenacting historical situations with my American Girl dolls and their trusty props and books. I learned about the Revolutionary War and the tea tax from Felicity, Kirsten taught me the hardships of prairie living annnnd about St. Lucia, as the only black doll, I think Addy's lessons are pretty self-explanatory; Samantha, though more priviledged than the others still had her demons, and Molly had to grow a victory garden and practice air-raid drills! American Girl is essentially re-writing history by excluding Samantha from their line these days, it's as if they are telling their young girls, whom they so often encourage to be independent, that women's suffrage didn't exist! By taking out Samantha, American Girl is taking out vital information in the history lessons they unknowingly provide for young girls all across America, and I for one am taking a stand against this atrocity.

Rebecca Rubin, I will take you down.

i love portland more than life itself. i love the fact that on any day i could walk down the streets of portland and see a man in a business suit riding a unicycle, i could see a transvestite walking down neighborhood streets selling enchiladas out of a cooler. i love that you can get married at a donut shop that sells phallic shaped deliciousness, that seeing a parade of nude bicyclists is no big thing, and that you can honestly be whoever you want to be here - because we've got a wide load of ridiculous yet beloved personalities in residence.

you know who doesn't? seattle. in seattle, you have one choice. you can be a has-been yuppie. i truly despise seattle. going to school on the east coast, you'd think i would have west coast universal pride, but that is simply never true. i'll take all of oregon and most of the top half of california, but that's about it. my hatred of the entire state of washington stems mainly from the fact that they are all terrible drivers, and they all infiltrate my state because we're cooler and don't have sales tax.

my hatred for seattle, however, stems from this very real truth: seattle used to be cool. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm quite appreciative of the fact that it's the birthplace of starbucks and nordstroms and the all-too-revered grunge movement, but guess what? all that happened like TWENTY YEARS AGO. seattle, you sure were a city of the '90s, but in case you didn't hear, it's 2009. and you aren't cool anymore because all you do is bitch and moan like little emo babies. if emo were a city, it would be seattle. in case you are unaware of how i feel about emo, i'd like to say that it's ironic how much emo makes me want to kill myself. it rains a thousand times more in seattle than it does in portland. it's essentially a fucking rainforest, but without any of the cool animals. seattle-ites sill cry themselves tonight over kurt cobain's untimely death, and meredith grey, tv's absolute most emo character calls seattle home. WHY would i ever want to subject myself to that sort of self-induced misery?!

they say green is the new black. i'm sorry seattle, but are you the greenest city in america? oh, that title actually belongs to your southern neighbor, the great city of roses, stumptown, pdx, RIP CITY? move over seattle, it's a new century and it's portland's time to shine. don't expect us to meet the same cruel, punishing death that befell you, however, because we're pretty constant in how amazing we are.

we're also better drivers.

Whilst browsing FML.com this morning, I came across this gem:

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

And my immediate thought was, "well of COURSE you're that stupid, because you go to the anti-christ that is Dunkin Donuts!" See, the thing is - I kind of hate Dunkin Donuts. DD has never truly wronged me in any way, but still - I just can't get on board. This is for many reasons, some of them vain, some of them shallow, but all of them real. Firstly, where I come from (the greatest state this side of bliss), one could only encounter a DD in one of the trashier suburbs - Gresham, Oregon City, etc. As a city-dweller, I speak for all Portlandians when I say that we tend to scorn and eschew all Suburban-types, because who wants new identical houses and strip malls when you can have a 1912 architectural icon and NE Broadway? To get back on point, if one did venture into one of these DD's, certain things are infallible. The patrons will invariably have more children than teeth, have a total inches of girth number higher than their I.Q., and will make a quick stop at DD after picking up their lotto tickets and before their weekly splurge dinner at Red Lobster.

Secondly, Dunkin Donuts is all over the East Coast. I am emphatically NOT all over the East Coast. I mean, techincally I generally am as I spend like 8 months out of the year there, but really anything that is particular to that side of the country I meet with disdain and distrust. I feel distinctly aloof and proud in my inability to partake in the DD madness, and also would truly feel unfaithful to my coast and my people if I did in fact inbibe in one of those g.d. drinks. Thirdly, Dunkin Donuts commercials infiltrate my life. They're quite vexatious! When I'm unwinding with a good, heart-wrenching episode of Grey's, I'm not trying to hear "American Runs on Dunkin" 134256 times. Am I not an American, DD? Because last time I checked, the 14th Amendment told me I was. But do I run on Dunkin? False. I don't even run!

Fourthly, and most importantly, if I ever went to DD, I'd be cheating on my most faithful companion - someone I've been with for years of my life, someone who has never ever let me down. This someone is known as Starbucks. Starbucks is a GOD among coffee-houses. It gets a lot of shit for being a big corporation and too expensive, but whatever! It's not simply about the single cup of coffee/tea/myriad beverages they can provide you with, it's about the whole Starbucks experience. Unlike DD, Starbucks is classy. No matter where you are in the world (and I've heartily tested this theory), you can walk into a Starbucks, and it will be clean, and jewel-toned, with lots of abstract art on the walls and jazzy relaxing music playing in the pleasantly-lit background. The chairs are comfy and oversized, and their display cases never falter to be aesthetically pleasing. Unlike DD, Starbucks is a west-coast operation. Gotta stay true to my roots, you know, and Starbucks just makes it so gosh darn easy to be proud of the good old left side of the country! Unlike DD, Starbucks doesn't air commericals. Nope, they're just naturally popular enough without feeling the need to kill my braincells for 30 seconds 7 times an hour. Take that, DD! People don't need to be lured or tricked or brainwashed into going to Starbucks - they just inately want to! I mean, I know I always do.

So yeah, garbage bin screamer, your actions aren't surprising. I'm willing to barter that if you just ditch your filthy DD habit and pull through a SB drive-thru instead, your minimal brain-power will experience a rapid increase. I mean, it's not like it can go anywhere but up, right?

While babysitting earlier today, I was treated to an hour of "Animal Planet" viewing. And just for the record, Animals Really Aren't My Thing. Puppies and kittens are cute, and I would love a giraffe pocket pet, but really I'm more of a human lover than an animal lover. That is why the topic of "Humanimals" baffles me to my very core. You may be wondering, as I was, what exactly is a "Humanimal"? Welp, it's a hybrid human-animal, or in layman's terms, a person who feels as though they are truly an animal spirit trapped inside a human body. It's kind of like being transgendered...or i suppose, transspecied. Now, I'm not judging - just so intrigued and also confused as to how this works out for these Humanimals.

From what I gathered, there are two types of Humanimals. The first type is what you would call a "body modifier", who do things like get illegal surgery in panama in order to make their profiles look more like their chosen animal. Or get their tongue spliced in order to more accurately represent their lizard-like ambitions. Consider this example:

Now, this man is so dedicated to living life as a lizard that he has had numerous surgeries, often traveling outside of the u.s. to get risky operations. he's had his teeth filed, tongue cut, and tattoos of lizard skin cover his body. You really have got to admire that sort of dedication - that's a lot of pain to endure for a lifestyle a lot of people will mock. What pluck.

The second type of "Humanimal", and the kind I find personally less understandable (but still, not judging) are "Furries". These are people who choose to show that they are an animal spirit not by deforming their bodies, but rather by donning large fur costumes, and then do not speak but rather "transform" in and out of their animalistic personas.

Now to me, this just seems like kind of a cop out. I mean, if you're going to go animal, I say go balls to the wall. If you're going to publicly admit that you were born the wrong species, then I think you should have enough gumption to not just slip in and out of your animal role by parading around town like a mascot. As I see it, Furries are like the pussy bitches of the Humanimal world. Essentially they are making a mockery out of their body modifier peers! Wow, now that I'm writing this all out I'm getting pretty heated on behalf of the real Humanimals! They should hire me as their PR agent, seeing as many of them chose to communicate solely in their "native" (read: animal) tongue. But yeah, Furries - who do you think you are? Stop shaming the name of good Humanimals everywhere. Man up! Or, rather...Animal up.

recently while browsing the internets, i came across two deeply unsettling photographs, ones that make me embarrassed to be an American. No, they aren't pictures of Army men torturing prisoners, they aren't pictures of Miley Cyrus. They are, in fact, merely portraits of every-day, regular people who show exactly what is wrong with this great country of ours.

Exhibit 1:

while i'm not sure exactly what this man is protesting (fashion and grammar both viable options), to me he represents the worst american mindset. people thinking they are better than everyone else because they are from the good old U.S. of A, but in demonstrating their "superiority", they make a typical white-trash error such as spelling a simple 6 letter word incorrectly, thus making a mockery out of themselves. i mean, let's just take a look at the picture. i see a man with a mullet and a handkerchief tied around his head. he's holding two patriotic signs proudly and he sports designer-imposter ray bans. to his right, we see a midriff-baring woman who is holding a sign that i've been scrutinizing for way too long and have thus concluded says "freedom rings". so seriously, you people, just WHO are you calling a "moran"? I mean really, if you're going to make a statement, make sure it's grammatically correct and try to look more life you have a house and less like said house is a trailer.

Exhibit 2:

Let me just start off by saying, these people have since been banned from Disneyland. Unfortunately for all, they were not banned from LIFE as would have been more appropriate. So many things are wrong with this picture, it's hard to know where to start. I suppose with the fact that the middle woman is holding a beer and it's they daytime, but to call her out on that would be calling the kettle black, as I'm a big fan of daydrinking. So let's start with the fact that this is a daughter with her parents. A mother and daughter duo and a proud pop. A pop proud of his wife and little girl walking around with their boobs hanging out of their shirts a la regina george. Bouncing down Main Street, USA with their lady parts available to all eyes. The eyes of the children who are just trying to enjoy their day in the magical kingdom without being assaulted with these sexually explicit images. As if this wasn't bad enough, these trashy a-holes have further insulted their fellow citizens by desecrating one of the greatest Americans accomplishments of all time - the beloved Mickey & Minnie Mouse. This seriously causes me more pain than when Jen & Brad broke up. Because who has two thumbs, a Little Mermaid fetish and still screams with delight when the line is shorter than anticipated? THIS GIRL. This blatant and disgusting display of disrespect makes me want to behead these idiots. And look at the dad smile! Like "ooh i'm so proud of my mother/daughter slut team and the way they take the best of American and immediately turn it into the worst! I've done so well in raising a good, solid family! Kudos to me!"

life goals for my 21st year on this planet:

I. Actual Goals That I'm Pretty Confident I Can Achieve
a. get in shape. a shape that is not doughy or round. a shape that is made by exercise and sweat rather than otterpops for breakfast. why i can do this: because chasing four 3 year olds around the pool, convincing them that sitting on the stairs is infinitely more fun than going down the slide is just another name for running with water resistance built right in. and lifting the obese children in and out of the pool is great for the arms. i could even make a work-out video!
b. read 52 books before my next birthday, the big 2-2. 52 new books. i will not allow myself to simply read Sorcerer's Stone fifty-two times. Or, I can (and will), but have to read 52 other books as well. why i can do this: i like to read. my mom buys books to appear educated and trendy (a lot of Oprah's seal of approval in this house), so my supply is undiminishable. i will also have time to do this because i hate the time right in between being awake and being asleep, so it's preferable if i'm reading and then just oop! all of a sudden it's morning and a book is on my chest.
c. make an effort to save more/spend less. this seems prudent given the recession, and the fact that at best i'm a poor collegiate. why i can do this: because life depends on it. when it comes to these life/death decisions, i'm generally good at prioritizing (unless alcohol is involved, or if i think the fun-ness of a deathly idea has the potential to make a reeeeally cool obituary).
d. watch more artsy indie movies and less abc family channel original movies. because now that i can legally drink, i think it's time to cut that cord. and i enjoy appearing cultured. and i really did like slumdog millionaire. why i can do this: because in watching Melissa Joan Hart & Joey Lawrence in My Fake Fiance, I know I've already seen the best of the abc fam originals.

II. Maybe/Maybe Not Goals:
a. ride my bicycle to work every day. the maybe: because it's good for the environment and my body (per goal 1a). because it's a 7 minute ride tops, and because my dad is pimpin' out my bike as we speak (can you say "fresh new handlebars"?). maybe not: because i am clairvoyant and know that there is going to be some miserable, rainy, mid-summer portland morning when, at 8:40am, i'm going to hear every fiber of my warm-and-comfy loving body shout out, "passat wagon, passat wagon", and those cries are going to be louder than mother nature's demure whisper to save the earth.
b. get a 4.0 senior year. the maybe: because it's not like i go to harvard. because i spend a looot of time on facebook/reading harry potter aloud with certain roomies/drinking my body weight and stumbling around the unforgiving streets of worcester, and if i dedicated that time to studying, the possibilities are endless. the maybe not: because i am reeeally looking forward to ridiculous nights at the blarney, interacting with the local woo-rats. because i'm not really interested in my classes next semester, and because my capstone will be at 9am on a friday morning.
c. use surfthechannel.com less. the maybe: it gives my computer viruses and makes safari freeze as soon as i get onto perez. so i'm missing a lot of vital celeb-world information, which is simply inexcusable. maybe not: because a lot of the time, all i really want is to relive the glory days of the Bartlett administration, or watch a first season bones episode to see how much the sexual tension has grown (which is a lot, in case you were wondering).
d. eat breakfast every day. the maybe: i hear this is good for you. and i do really love breakfasty foods like waffles and pancakes and even a solid bowl of regular cheerios. the maybe not: because i also like sleep. and making pancakes or waffles is a commitment that could shave at least a half hour off of my sleeping time, which i just can't condone.

III. Hey, A Girl Can Dream, Right? Goals:
a. become friends with sophia bush and hilarie burton via the plan outlined in an earlier blog entry. why this will never happen: they are cool and famous. i am neither of those things. also, the part of the plan that relies on them reading my blog might also make them think that i am some crazy stalker...or a 13 year girl. either one of these two things.
b. go to dc, befriend michelle, break into her closet, and steal many of her hybrid trendy/classic dresses. why this will never happen: white house security these days? well that shit's no joke. so unless i retain the ability to become invisible, or become a top Obama official with passcode knowledge, i'd get shot in any attempt i made to get into that closet.
c. convince one of my less smarts-endowed friends to have a baby so that i can play with it all the time but not have to be pregnant. why this will never happen: none of my friends are actually that stupid, and i suppose i'm not truly that morally bankrupt.
d. be on college jeopardy and win. why this will never happen: because even though college jeopardy is SO EASY, the qualifying test is harder than regular jeopardy. is this just? no, alex trebek, it most certainly is not. no wonder only complete nerds get on and then can't answer the $200 question in "Academy Award Winners 2007". A category I would sweep.

Top 5 Friend Groups I'd Like To Infiltrate:

5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel

But really, Zooey & Emily's alter-ego Temperance Brennan of Bones fame. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. The funniest forensic anthropologist I've ever seen on prime-time! She may not be great at girl talk because she doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but both sisters can sing so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Zooey clothes.

4. The Cast of One Tree Hill

Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except that time the sex tape came out and everyone rioted. But seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth. And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz), if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas - well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for any occasion. Plus, Tree Hill looks like such a fun place to live! Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnappings and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life?

3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel

Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, office romances, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, lead the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East nuclear tension, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. They lead the country, but they look cool while doing it (much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits), and I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations peppered with wit while we stroll along the White House grounds.

2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

Because Tina is my number 1 celebrity girl crush. Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be so great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have given us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. They're funny girls yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world?! Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they each have one. What more could a girl ask for?

1. I mean, who else?

Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them! I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom. I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac. Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. Nothing funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Nothing greater than friends.