yesterday, i had just managed to get both of my charges into bed and had settled myself down with Half-Blood Prince in preparation for next Tuesday when something on the table caught my eye. I could only see the first three letters of the magazine title, but my mounting excitement was completely spot-on as I pulled out an "American Girl" mag! And not the lame one that just has sleepover ideas and cartoons of tween-aged breast development, no no, the actual magazine with the dolls! Needless to say, there was a narrowly avoided pee-from-extreme-thrill incident. My fingers were trembling when I opened that first page, knowing that Felicity Merriman, redhead, American colonialist and patriot with a Loyalist bff and an overstated love for horses, would be greeting me.

Except, she didn't! Some beezy named Chrissa who is apparently the "American Girl of Today" was staring back at me with vacant, non-historical eyes. Like, who the fuck is this girl? She's from the present! I LIVE in the present, I don't need to learn about it! She's not teaching me about WWII or slavery is she? NO. Her only purpose is one big fashion don't.

It only got worse from there. Felic, Kiki, Addy, Kit & Molly all got the two page spread, normal from what I can recall. But Kaya & Josefina shared a page! What kind of a message is that sending, AG Co, about minorities and ethnicities and power and status? This seems pretty counter-intuitive from the messages you preach in all those "Care & Keeping" books I used to hoard like beanie babies.

You may have noticed that thus far there was been no mention of my absolutely second favorite American Girl (second only to Molly, but really only just because Molly had glasses and so did I), Samantha. WELP, SHE'S GONE. REPLACED! By some Russian Jew named Rebecca Rubin from 1914. WHAT ON EARTH COULD SAMANTHA HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THIS TREASON? She was the ultimate. I mean, come ON! She took us to suffragette rallies with her Aunt Cornelia and her Grand-Mary, and she saved her orphan friends from the perils of turn-of-the-century factory work! She was bad ass! But noooo, let's create some more diversity by bringing this Russian immigrant who is also Jewish into our line of dolls and then RELEGATE HER TO THE SINGLE PAGE WITH THE OTHER MINORITIES.

Honestly, I feel as though the very premise of my love of history has been violated and torn apart in the most brutal fashion. I strongly believe that my history major is a direct result of hours spent reenacting historical situations with my American Girl dolls and their trusty props and books. I learned about the Revolutionary War and the tea tax from Felicity, Kirsten taught me the hardships of prairie living annnnd about St. Lucia, as the only black doll, I think Addy's lessons are pretty self-explanatory; Samantha, though more priviledged than the others still had her demons, and Molly had to grow a victory garden and practice air-raid drills! American Girl is essentially re-writing history by excluding Samantha from their line these days, it's as if they are telling their young girls, whom they so often encourage to be independent, that women's suffrage didn't exist! By taking out Samantha, American Girl is taking out vital information in the history lessons they unknowingly provide for young girls all across America, and I for one am taking a stand against this atrocity.

Rebecca Rubin, I will take you down.

i love portland more than life itself. i love the fact that on any day i could walk down the streets of portland and see a man in a business suit riding a unicycle, i could see a transvestite walking down neighborhood streets selling enchiladas out of a cooler. i love that you can get married at a donut shop that sells phallic shaped deliciousness, that seeing a parade of nude bicyclists is no big thing, and that you can honestly be whoever you want to be here - because we've got a wide load of ridiculous yet beloved personalities in residence.

you know who doesn't? seattle. in seattle, you have one choice. you can be a has-been yuppie. i truly despise seattle. going to school on the east coast, you'd think i would have west coast universal pride, but that is simply never true. i'll take all of oregon and most of the top half of california, but that's about it. my hatred of the entire state of washington stems mainly from the fact that they are all terrible drivers, and they all infiltrate my state because we're cooler and don't have sales tax.

my hatred for seattle, however, stems from this very real truth: seattle used to be cool. i mean, don't get me wrong - i'm quite appreciative of the fact that it's the birthplace of starbucks and nordstroms and the all-too-revered grunge movement, but guess what? all that happened like TWENTY YEARS AGO. seattle, you sure were a city of the '90s, but in case you didn't hear, it's 2009. and you aren't cool anymore because all you do is bitch and moan like little emo babies. if emo were a city, it would be seattle. in case you are unaware of how i feel about emo, i'd like to say that it's ironic how much emo makes me want to kill myself. it rains a thousand times more in seattle than it does in portland. it's essentially a fucking rainforest, but without any of the cool animals. seattle-ites sill cry themselves tonight over kurt cobain's untimely death, and meredith grey, tv's absolute most emo character calls seattle home. WHY would i ever want to subject myself to that sort of self-induced misery?!

they say green is the new black. i'm sorry seattle, but are you the greenest city in america? oh, that title actually belongs to your southern neighbor, the great city of roses, stumptown, pdx, RIP CITY? move over seattle, it's a new century and it's portland's time to shine. don't expect us to meet the same cruel, punishing death that befell you, however, because we're pretty constant in how amazing we are.

we're also better drivers.